Fuck you infomercials. Now I'm convinced I desperately need Proactive for my face, Wen Haircare System for my hair, AbSwing for my stomach, Rock and Chop knife set for my kitchen, Magic Bullet for my wellbeing and sanity, motivational DVD's for my future, financial DVD's for my wealth... and a H2O mop to clean up after. And it's not just TV that makes us think these things.. it is adverts for weight loss aswell, and on occasion, my darling husband. And just so you know, the nice reply to 'do these jeans make me look fat?' is NOT, I repeat, IS NOT 'don't go blaming the jeans hunni....'
There is a serious need for more motivational, fun TV at night, because lets face it, Austar will probably never let me have another account ever again after our last "incident." Reality shows like Hoarders, 16 & Pregnant, & The Biggest Loser would fit great in these time slots, allowing us to eat our midnight toasted sandwiches without feeling like our lives are shit. Why can't we feel good about sitting there in front of the box while others slog it out? I like feeling good about myself,and others slogging it out is what makes me feel good. But then BAM, those infomercials hit you like a ten tonne truck. Or my ten tonne ass to be more precise.. which is how they make you feel by the time they're done.
They also make you feel like you are living in a world of hidden disgusting scum that needs immediate attention, whether it be on your skin, in your mind, in your bank account or on your floor, in your oven, or under the rim of your alloy wheels outside. I pull my feet up and curl into the fetal position, waiting for these hidden germs to come attack me. Then I feel guilty... and realise! I am a Bad Wife! I do not sanitise my pot plants daily with a high pressure, high steam, high priced gadget like all the other wives on the ad! I do not buy hours and hours of budgeting advice and make millions in my first year!
So naturally I decide to buy the damn things. All of them... and what do I learn from it? The products are not cleaning fairies. You have to actually get off your butt and utilise them... fan-fucking-tastic.. I thought I had the answers to all of my dreams....but now the only answers I have is to give to my husband why the credit card is out. I have thousands of dollars worth of feel good impulse buys sitting in my laundry... and not one of them has up and done the washing.
It's the same for exercise equipment. It's all well and great that we own these pieces, but owning them doesn't equal using them. But it's great for when friends come over and see them, where you can let them assume you're being healthier than they are and being proactive *... snicker* But seriously, do you blame us for not using them? Because from what I could gather from the TV I would turn into a size 8 happy hot blonde chick with perfectly smooth skin, a lovely house and enough money to buy designer workout gear. BUT they're HARD to use!! And it takes AGES!! They are cheeky fucks on the TV aren't they? All my AbKing Pro is good for now is a pizza bench- a fucking $200 pizza bench... (it fits 3 pizzas on there, just for your information...)
So now I have decided to tune out to these ads. It makes more sense.. the less I see and hear them the more denial I can achieve. It most defiantely is a win win situation...
I also kinda tune out to the kids aswell now, but tend to miss important key elements like "can I use this knife to cut up my only photo of me in reception" and "look mum, I can balance on the TV". So next time my kids continually ask me if I have seen Peaches (our cat) with giggles and smirks on their faces I should be instantly suspicious. But no, I didn't catch on, and yes, Peaches spent the night packed in a box. Maybe I best start paying more attention to them and the infomercials
Infomercials, your producers got you in my head like they intended.. Respect and fuck you!
written exclusively by Briohazard 21st January 2012
There is a serious need for more motivational, fun TV at night, because lets face it, Austar will probably never let me have another account ever again after our last "incident." Reality shows like Hoarders, 16 & Pregnant, & The Biggest Loser would fit great in these time slots, allowing us to eat our midnight toasted sandwiches without feeling like our lives are shit. Why can't we feel good about sitting there in front of the box while others slog it out? I like feeling good about myself,and others slogging it out is what makes me feel good. But then BAM, those infomercials hit you like a ten tonne truck. Or my ten tonne ass to be more precise.. which is how they make you feel by the time they're done.
They also make you feel like you are living in a world of hidden disgusting scum that needs immediate attention, whether it be on your skin, in your mind, in your bank account or on your floor, in your oven, or under the rim of your alloy wheels outside. I pull my feet up and curl into the fetal position, waiting for these hidden germs to come attack me. Then I feel guilty... and realise! I am a Bad Wife! I do not sanitise my pot plants daily with a high pressure, high steam, high priced gadget like all the other wives on the ad! I do not buy hours and hours of budgeting advice and make millions in my first year!
So naturally I decide to buy the damn things. All of them... and what do I learn from it? The products are not cleaning fairies. You have to actually get off your butt and utilise them... fan-fucking-tastic.. I thought I had the answers to all of my dreams....but now the only answers I have is to give to my husband why the credit card is out. I have thousands of dollars worth of feel good impulse buys sitting in my laundry... and not one of them has up and done the washing.
It's the same for exercise equipment. It's all well and great that we own these pieces, but owning them doesn't equal using them. But it's great for when friends come over and see them, where you can let them assume you're being healthier than they are and being proactive *... snicker* But seriously, do you blame us for not using them? Because from what I could gather from the TV I would turn into a size 8 happy hot blonde chick with perfectly smooth skin, a lovely house and enough money to buy designer workout gear. BUT they're HARD to use!! And it takes AGES!! They are cheeky fucks on the TV aren't they? All my AbKing Pro is good for now is a pizza bench- a fucking $200 pizza bench... (it fits 3 pizzas on there, just for your information...)
So now I have decided to tune out to these ads. It makes more sense.. the less I see and hear them the more denial I can achieve. It most defiantely is a win win situation...
I also kinda tune out to the kids aswell now, but tend to miss important key elements like "can I use this knife to cut up my only photo of me in reception" and "look mum, I can balance on the TV". So next time my kids continually ask me if I have seen Peaches (our cat) with giggles and smirks on their faces I should be instantly suspicious. But no, I didn't catch on, and yes, Peaches spent the night packed in a box. Maybe I best start paying more attention to them and the infomercials
Infomercials, your producers got you in my head like they intended.. Respect and fuck you!
written exclusively by Briohazard 21st January 2012
Well I own the Shark vac and steam because chemicals are bad to clean with you know. But what I found out is that I need the hand held steamer to reach behind the sink and that hard to reach spot behind the toilet.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of proactive bottles on my nephews counter.
My daughter actually cried when I brought my shark home. She is addicted to infomercials.
I have had the ball thingy that you put in your washing machine. It does NOTHING by the way.
I feel the need to own pajama jeans. There are 3 pillow pets in my house right now. If I had a baby in the house I would SO own a gyro bowl.
You can't tell me you have never wanted a topsy turvy for easy to grow tomatoes you would never normally grow.