ten tips to getting your sexy on

That phone call comes.. you've agreed to a date with the girls, tonight, and you look like a mess. You have your dressing gown on still, and your hair is a birds nest. Everything is on the floor and your makeup is nowhere to be found. Shit! You can't miss this.. you know your girlfriends are going to look amazing. You just want to rock up not looking like a bogan. Here's how:

1. Shave those legs! We all know that it looks like a forest under those pants.. don't deny it. It would take a whipper snipper and lawnmower just to get through it ready for shaving. You were gonna do it last week, right, but the kids interrupted you? Don't fret, all women do it.. and if they say they don't they're full of shit. Nicely shaved legs can make you feel ready to face the world.. or the girls, at least. Trust me, you leave one hair on there and they'll know about it. Especially if you decide to wear a dress.. that shit looks plain nasty! Map out your course, shave anything that you come across from your waist down. Don't beat around the bush
2. Wax your eyebrows. Remember high school, where an eyebrow wax should have been mandatory, but we didn't know they existed? Don't go with the mono brow look. Some people find this look sexy, but you will usually find them in Wal-Mart... not on the dance floor. Get that caterpillar and turn it into a butterfly, or risk being singled out.. literally
3. Find an outfit & iron it. By ironing it I mean getting the iron out, not shaking it hoping the wrinkles will come out. I don't know about you, but the only time my iron ever sees the light of day is when my mother in law visits, and I pop on my apron and pretend to do all thing motherly. If you can remember where your iron lives, get it out and please don't burn yourself like I did last time, on my neck. Don't ask- irons fucking hate me.
4. Sexy shoes! They make all the difference, don't they. Fuck them being comfortable, you will probably end up taking them off anyway. May as well look good. Sexy shoes do not include the following: Clogs. Slippers. Thongs. Flats. Crocs. Gumboots.. or, my ultimate, ugh boots. I can't work out why people think these look hot. You don't look hot, you look cold and I cant fucking work out why, if you're cold, you have a skimpy little top on. You look like a ho.. a cold, cold ho, trying to pass as a playboy bunny. News flash girlfriend- you look like a retard.
5. Don't experiment! I am deathly guilty of this one... all of the time. I wished I would take my own advice. I went out one night recently after buy new green eyeliner, and proceeded to try to be "different", and failed. Miserably. I looked like a dead peacock was spread over my eyes- the colour was beyond horrible on my near albino face. Facebook proved to be invaluable in this case, the very next day there I was, all peacock eyed for all the world to see. Fail.
6. Nice underwear.. this can make a huge difference. I don't know about you, but a pair of skin tight white shorts over a black Gee looks rank.  So does your apron skin hanging over your 3 sizes too small knickers. I'm not knocking any ones size, I'm hardly a size 10 myself, I'm saying this to everybody, even you skinny freaks. If you think you are too funky for your chicken then go right ahead and look like you don't know how to either shop or dress yourself. Same goes for bras.. If your tits are 10A, honey, don't try and get away with a DD cup... this shit just doesn't work. I may or may not have ever done that to learn the lesson from it.
7. Do something with your hair. Straighten it, curl it, flick it, mess it.. it's up to you. Just take that fucking scrunchy out and make sure your hair is clean, please. If you are in desperate need of a colour do a loose up style... nothing is worse than seeing a chick with greasy roots and 3 inch regrowth on the dance floor.. if you're gonna do that then you may as well be in the pokie room with the grannies rubbing up their machines for luck...
8. Choose a super sexy outfit.. and one that fits, please. You can be as skinny as a ruler for all I care, doesn't mean go shorter and tighter like some girls I know. Skinny isn't an instant ticket to short & tight. sure, if you want to wrap yourself around a pole, go for it. Or if you want to stand on a corner. Working with your body is what you want to do. If you have great tits Hun, dress them up and make them a feature! If you have a great ass wear some hot jeans and heels. If you are straight up and down add some texture to give you some shape.. if all else fails throw a paper bag over your head and exclaim you thought it as a dress up...
9. Watch the bronzer. Its all great and well to have a good 'glow', but when that look turns oompa loompa you're getting it wrong. We all have that friend, don't we, with white as white hair flowing down their back and orange skin. Great for a facebook laugh..not great for the one getting laughed at.. don't let it be you! And please, please, don't fucking put it as your damned profile picture when you're standing next to a porcelain skinned mate!! Or do. I love laughing.
10. Wear your attitude. Your attitude can account for 50% of your overall look. If you go out looking like a gift of god, but have a cuntox persona, you're gonna slip on the sexy scale faster than you can say "look at me". Be confident, yes, but don't be the one who looks like their friends are an embarrassment to them. The perfect description of this type of mole is the one who photoshops only themselves in an awesome picture, and including their friend who is looking messy in the picture and not touching even a blemish control to their face. Cunts. I know who you are. Nobody likes you to tell you the truth... we just enjoy laughing at your fakeness behind your derriere

And guys, this is precisely why we take so damn long in the bathroom.... what's your excuse?

written exclusively by Briohazard 31st January 2012