11 reasons why America is stoned

Do you ever read something, and think What.The.Fuck? I was just browsing the net and came across some idiotic laws that have been passed in some states of America. Naturally it's safe to assume that some of these laws would have been bought about by lawsuits..but what I want to know though is  how the fuck do half of these  matters get into court in the first place? I would love to be on the jury of some of these choices... I would give up Percy for a while to do so.. and that's saying a lot.  Either whoever the big-wig is that gets to pass these was stoned, or an absolute fucking boss... I'm going to go with boss.. here's some of what I found:

• You cannot "worry a squirrel" .. rightio, I must remember to never sit down with a squirrel, drown my sorrows then tell it I am going to drive home.. I will refrain from telling him about my bills and about Aunt Glady's flatulance problems. How the fuck, and why the fuck would you even want to worry a squirrel? And what gets a squirrel worried anyways? That law is open to all types of interpretation. I could argue in a court of law that my lack of income worries squirrels, and ask for a supplement to keep the squirrel.... uhhhh, unworried?
• If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day"...Well that's one way to keep Jocelyn Wildenstein out of Wal-Mart, I guess... and it's a good way to keep singer Kelis out of our hair. But seriously, what an awesome law to have on your side! Imagine calling the cops because your arch nemesis is strutting the street with her always-perfect hair and clothes? Wouldn't it actually be fanfuckingtastic to be able to call on the authorities and complain anonymously that their looks are offensive? Because this law is open to interpretation aswell, and could be a great one to have up your sleeve! I would so do that.
• Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated... Well I can't remember the last time I saw a seagull, and found that the first thought that came to my mind was spitting on it? And why seagulls? Why not a sloth, or a llama? Are they exempt from that law? This screams prejudice to me. Someone has become waaaay to attached to seagulls. But hey, at least you're allowed to worry it, unlike the squirrel.
• It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm. OK, this is a bit weird.. what happens in the middle of a beating? Do the cops stand alongside, then once it hits 8pm go and arrest his ass? And what of the poor chick? I hope I am never standing on the courthouse steps before 8pm, that could get messy. But I spose I could avoid the risk completely by not taking my husband, seeing as this law only refers to married couples.
• It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. Now this, this is the type of law my husband would love to have framed in our bedroom, and in the car, and tattooed to my forearm. He would have a field day with this one. And again, too bad if you're not married, I guess it sux to be a single woman.. you'd never have the opportunity to drive a car up main street. And fuck it if you forget your red flag! I would have to believe a man came up with this law.. and i think it is beyond epic
• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish.. OK, lets get this straight. When I go fishing, I tend to use a rod and fishhook.. and I quite possibly had considered using a bucket at some point.. but never would I have imagined I would try and lasso one. I wouln't think that anyone else would have thought of that either, but apparently someone did, and it was offensive enough and worthy of money for this law to be passed. So in future, in a certain State in America, reconsider your fishing options, it may just land you in jail with the real criminals.. like the ones that go around worrying squirrels.
• In Lexington - By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground. I like this law. This could come in handy next time I go into my workplace after a hard night. I do not know what consitutes holding the ground, but apparently I'm still sober until I can't. And that's easy fixed.. I just will not attempt to hold the ground while I am in this State of America while I drink
• It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.. Those naughty frogs must have been at it again.. them and their sordid croaking. Someone, somewhere one day asks, "how can we stop this outrageousness?", and some toss bag decides to reply, "we'll pass a law.. that will solve it. It stopped the squirrels from getting worried". I wonder how they can possibly police this law? "hands in the air, you Litoria Verreauxi, or I'll shoot" Poor bloody frog! And the squirrel thinks HE has problems!
• Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them.I can see it now. Major drug operation in full swing, and Well Built Scary Guy says "hold on guys, lets just get our delicious little bumhoolios ready,  and pop on down to the taxman and put in our dues":.. or maybe not...
• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. haha! Sux if your neighbour lives three miles away! Can you imagine trying to organise a coffee and timtams with your best friend? Kids, check. Keys, check. Mobile, check. Rocket launchers... oh shit. Sorry kids, you cant play with your friends today because mummy has no rocket launchers left.. back inside! And that's not even bringing into account the fact there may be a squirrel around.. I would love to see that law contradict itself... "sorry officer, I couldn't let off the rocket launcher, I didn't want to worry the squirrel" 
• In Danville - All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. Now HOW HANDY and thoughtful is this law! Imagine how many lives could be saved if people simply had the consideration and foresight to make sure they checked the fire hydrants an hour BEFORE the fire! Hell.. Fireman Sam's job would be easy, considering Pontypandy is rife with fires everyday started by that little shit Norman that has no discipline, while his mother is desperately trying to score a root with the bus driver. And while I'm on the subject, who pays for all those helicopters and call out fees.. and why isn't Norman in Juvenile Detention?

I am going to make sure I never worry a squirrel ever again by trying to lasso a fish, just to be on the safe side...



written exclusively by Briohazard 17th January 2012