Kids have taught me well...

I think I may have decoded my three children, after 11 years of studying and countless melted crayons in the back seat of the car (which I would swear under oath they are placed there purely for their own form of sweet revenge on us) I don't know why it has taken this long, or quite frankly whether my head is even screwed on today... But this is what I have learnt:

1. "No!", in childrens language, means "ask again at a higher pitch and/or cry". A secondary no automatically defaults the first "no", and ergo counts as an official "yes" from us. Depending on the family, a second no will constitute said child running to the daddy, stating "mummy said I can paint my bed with lipstick". Daddy will usually not think twice about this, and believe childs word for it and let them happily play with mummys $40 Wet Shine Diamonds for hours. 
2. "Put that down" translates to "I want to watch you swinging my Very Expensive Crystal around your head.. on my tiled floor..in front of my toffee nosed friends". 
3. Bedtime= last-minute-homework-time/brush-teeth-time/whinge-time/play-DS-because-if-I-put-it-down-I-will-lose-important-level-time/perfect-time-to-build-a-cubbyhouse-time. I wonder what would happen if I ban my children from going to bed? I could try and use reverse psychology.. perhaps I could even convince them that all the cool kids are doing it? I could start a revolution! I must jot that down in my life planner, right under the entry "ensure children stay out of jail if possible"
4. If you would like a child to do something for you, it's a good idea to ask the other one. Guaranteed the first child will get their nose out of joint and whine that you didn't choose them. But just when you think you have this point down pat it backfires.. take note of this and use sparingly, and pounce when least expected
5. A toddlers vocabulary consists of three statements. These are variations of: "no", "mine", and "no, that's mine". The toddler is always right, and everything belongs to them should they decide they like it. And they do not even need to like it.. if they see someone else likes it they will automatically assume ownership. This applies to anything real or not, from the imaginary unicorn your other son isn't even aware of, to your car handbrake. 
6. Vegetables = evilness. To disguise a vegetable you need to trick them. Sometimes this is easy.. colouring mashed potatoes blue can automatically turn them into "blue magic clouds".. and sometimes it's hard.. they will sniff out a sliver of grated carrot in the most perfectly blended soup. The best thing I have learnt is naming the vegetables cool names. But please be aware that not everyone at the restaraunt will understand what "cutesy tootsey magical hula hoops" are..(calamari) especially when you realise your child is now 24 years old and you just say it automatically.. could get a stare or two.
7. Saying anything controversial in front of your child, or within earshot (which could be anything between 2cm away and 100m, depending on the subject)  automatically allows them to repeat said controversy to the person you were talking about. remember this. All communication with anybody should be done via writing, or preferably the Secret Service.
8. The oldest child automatically assumes himself as "The Great One And Only Mr Boss Man". This is not negotiable. Anything and everything they determine is not right in their eyes will be mentioned. Usually in public, and again, usually at an unbearable pitch and within earshot of Mrs Perfect Mummy with a Mr Perfect Child
9. If it is within reach,or not, it means we have put it there specifically to be touched. Or not. It doesn't matter.. they will assume all rights to it whether it is fixed into the kitchen bench or not. This assumption they have rights to it automatically includes an assumption they are allowed to get a permanant texta and scribble on it.. even if it is your friends Very Important Resume you are to drop off the next day..
10. Chocolate is designed purely, in their eyes, to be left in a warm place on expensive fabric, usually right out of view. And sometimes this can include the back of your friends car.. in which you will find out about it at your next Big Blow Up. Be aware.. chocolate should only be handed out under intense supervision, in a purely tiled room with no fabric at all. But be careful, this also turns even the most pleasant child into the next Steve-O from Jackass

So now that I apparently have this "All Figured Out" I ask myself, "Why I am pouring myself a glass of Moscato?" Maybe it could be because my daughter is trying to get the curtain off the lounge room window to make a cape for the cat.. I'm guessing I may just have a few more screws looser than I thought


written exclusively by Briohazard 23rd January 2012