maybe a little naughtiness....

"just put it on the bench" she snapped, sighing. Every time he dropped something off, he managed to completely irritate her, and after the day she had she was ready to bury herself into bed with a good book and a hot chocolate... or knock herself out with a Valium. But the package on the bench she had been waiting for, and it was going to take all night for her to even decide whether or not to open it, let alone relax.

Even for a delivery guy Rash had a godlike air about himself.. and he liked to make Rhania aware of it. He had always liked her.. but who wouldn't? With her little waist and perfect smile, infectious laugh and flowing chestnut hair, and her smooth sun kissed tan, she was the talk of the male population in town. Of course, she was spoken for but that didn't stop would be suitors trying to buy her drinks in the bar. She always laughed them off, she was quite proper, but it annoyed her a bit. So did Rash always taking the job of delivering Rhania's parcels from her husband to her, but she tried to make small talk while she opened them. They usually weren't much but a small token of love sent every Wednesday, as her husband worked away and liked to remind her he cared. Sometimes it was a box of chocolates, sometimes it was a poem beautifully penned and wrapped in a box. Just enough to say "Rhania,  I love you.... Dean"

Lately though, the parcels had become confusing, to the point she wasn't sure if opening was worth another fight. Last time she received a pair of red heels, and the time before that she received a red bra. Unfortunately Rash had been around both times she had opened them, and both times she was visibly shocked at the contents, unable to hide her distaste. She wasn't a prude, but where were the romantic tokens? What was happening? She had queried Dean on the spontaneity, and he was quick to bite. "You're beautiful Rhania.. why not? You're 29, have some fun in your life.. "

Of course she wanted to have fun.. but did Dean want more fun more permanently? He had tried to get her to go to a strip club last time he was down, and the time before that he was even a little.... distant. Confusion once again spread across Rhania's face as she mentally pondered all of this. She hadn't really experienced a lot..not that she didn't want to, but because she was scared she may actually like it. What if Dean didn't though? Rash looked on, amused. Rhania always had such a cute confused face.. ever since he first delivered her parcels, nine years ago. They had had many small chats, and over time he had come to secretly fall in love with the woman he knew she was hiding. Not her looks, they got him to notice her, but he had fallen deep. But this girl deserved more.. more than what she ever dreamed. How was she supposed to know Dean had started deceiving her? He'd only found out by chance, intercepted a letter fresh with perfume.. but the contents matched up with Deans change of gifts.

While Rash thought it was better not getting involved, he didn't like the emptiness he saw in Rhania's eyes. He turned to go, as Rhania had started opening her parcel. Curiosity got the better of him, and he pretended to tie his shoe. Slowly Rhania opened her gift box, and her gaze fell upon a red bustier. Fingering the delicate silk and lace, she stalled, heart racing. Quickly trying to shut the box, she turned, and came face to face with Rash as he stood from clumsily tying his shoe.

Her heart started pounding as she noticed for the first time his muscular chest, and perfect shoulders.. she shook herself, and tried to tell herself not to be silly. Rash hadn't let this slip past him though, and gently reached out to push a strand of her hair out of her eyes. It was instant- Rhanias body felt electrified as she tried to fight her racing heart and shaking hands. She didn't want this miraculous feeling to end, but she couldn't draw herself away... she was glued to the spot, looking into Rash's eyes.

Rash walked over to the box, and pulled out the bustier, offering it to Rhania without words. Shaking, Rhania took the bustier, and walked out of the kitchen, and started undressing. The bustier fit her perfectly, hugging her waist and and accentuating her firm but squeezable boobs like they were made for it. She slipped off her pants, and her long slender legs slipped on the red heels.

She felt hands, and then strong arms start to hold her, from behind, starting on her hips and slowly joining up at the stomach, feeling the contours of her body as she leaned back into a warm, athletic man. She was full of  electricity as her head leant to one side revealing her neck.Rash's lips started brushing her nape, as his hands travelled to her breasts, so full and such a perfect fit for his hand. Gently but firmly he explored her body, until Rhania herself could not take another second. She spun around, and ripped off Rash's shirt, exposing the perfect smooth muscular body she imagined touching only minutes ago. Her tingling intensified as she raised her chin and forcefully.. hungrily.. needingly joined lips and exchanged her thoughts through her mouth.  Rash answered back with a hungriness that even surprised him. He reached behind her head and started pulling her hair, again, firmly but gently.

The kissing intensified, satisfaction wasn't being gained.. he was animalistic, he wanted Rhania, in every way, right then. Rhania's labia became warm, then hot, as blood pulsated madly through her. She wanted more, too, and scratched Rash's back in a desperate attempt to get closer. He lay her down on the coffee table, and slowly peeled her knickers back, kissing her stomach and feeling her hips. Rhania wanted his lips on her... his tongue in her, warm and wet, but he bypassed her now throbbing vulva and kissed the inside of her thighs. Rhania could see his head, it was so close, and she let out an uncontrolled yelp, her body vocally begging.. pleading for his attention.


Her back arched ever so slightly as he seemed to start closing in, only realising he'd backed even further away. By now every sense was on high alert and she could feel his breath on her clitoris. Too much for her, she tried to wriggle in closer, but he kept his distance perfectly and she again let out a yelp. so close... his mouth was so close...

Rhania's heels dug into the wood of the table, as she looked down. Rash looked up, and said, with a grin "I want you to fuck my face. Grab my head, and make me make you earn this.. fuck my face hard" Shocked, for a second, Rhania dismissed her hesitation and grabbed Rash's head, and forced it between her, clamping her thighs around his cheeks. The rush of adrenaline, and warmth, and relief when he obliged with his tongue almost was enough to have her crumbling.. but she wanted more. He started licking around her clit as she started bucking in time to an unheard music, his licks and pressure from his tongue obeying her demands. She squeezed her legs tighter around his cheeks, as he increased his rhythm to hard, and fast. Now Rhania was rocking uncontrollably, still holding his head with one hand, and an absolute throbbing being semi-relieved but burning more than she had ever felt in her life . Her breathing started to become rapid, and then felt a muscular soft long tongue push its way into her, making her legs go stiff and her nearly hyperventilate.

"Fuck me.. please, please fuck me now" She pleaded, not wanting to release her grip on his head, and he didn't seem to hear her. Almost in desperation she raised her voice, and almost, but not quite yelled "Fucking hell Rash, I NEED you to fuck me RIGHT NOW" He looked up, tiny sweat beads starting to form on his forehead, and came up picking her up off the table, and wrapping her legs around his waist. She started rubbing on his bare stomach, desperate for every bit of him inside of her, but instead he walked her along to the wall, and kissed her, desperately. He wanted her as much as she wanted him, but he wanted her to taste herself, and stuck his tongue in her mouth. She immediately noticed the difference, and noticed how sweet she was..  and a hunger took over her. She forced her lips against his, not getting enough.. and slipped three fingers down to her vagina and started putting pressure on her clit. She had never felt this hot before, never, it was a surprise but she was at the point of no hesitations now. She didn't want to stop.. couldn't stop, the feeling of satisfaction so close, she knew she wanted to explode, but she wanted to do it with her vagina wrapped tightly around him... so she lifted her hand and looked him in the eye while she delicately sucked her fingers, just about losing control.

Still standing with Rhanias legs wrapped, grinding, around his waist, it was Rash's turn to decide he could take no more. He lay her down on the lounge, where she physically started to shake at the anticipation of his cock. She NEEDED to touch it, grab it, feel it, caress it, taste it, have it as hers. With a jolt she sat up and pushed her mouth over the whole length, making Rash reel back in utter surprise.. it nearly made him come on the spot... the feeling of her warm mouth, slightly sucking with pressure.. her tongue licking around his knob while she cupped his balls in her hand.. rubbing his sweet spot just under his balls with the other. Her tongue circled and flicked the underside of his head, while she alternated between slow and fast.. high and low. He had to literally rip her off as his balls started rising ready to blow, and kiss her as he guided her slowly onto his cock.

The feeling was indescribable.. as the tightness took over her body, and his perfect dick slid slowly into the dark, warm, tight, wetness of her very being,.. she felt full. They were both in perfect harmony as she sat on him, him in the sitting position, her facing him, as they tried to get as close as possible, hands locked above his head, every part of their bodies fitting like a perfect natural jigsaw. Her knees dug into the sofa while she bucked, her back arching, and the angle of her sitting gave her clit the perfect pressure and control to completely let herself do what she wanted. She rubbed back and forth, leaning in to kiss his neck and chest, while he ran his fingernails down her back.. exciting her more than she could handle. Her vagina started tightening in waves, and he could feel it on himself, so leant forward and took her nipple in his mouth while pushing her onto her back.. she started whimpering, it was too much pleasure for one body to handle. He rubbed her nipple between his lips, and started firmly but slowly grinding into her, so deep and so perfect, he wanted to feel every bit of her orgasm. She clamped her legs around his back , arched her back and raised her chin to the sky, and on a perfect thrust she felt her body go cold, and hot, and tingly.. her breathing went from rapid to slow, unhumanly deep breathing and she felt the release of her life work its way through her body. She felt the warm cum go up her vagina and hit her very soul, while she started bucking, absolutely out of control, fully satisfied.. he leant down and started kissing her softly on her neck again, and she lay completely holding on for her life, shaking, unable to speak.. close to sobbing with pure pleasure.

They lay like that, panting, for an hour before he started slowly withdrawing his dick, which made her jump even more.. she wanted it again but he was in the middle of his delivery runs. Even though the whole experience was only half an hour without the recovery, it was perfect. And Rhania had just learnt a lot about herself.. she was shaking for more... more than the "ordinary sex" they had just had. She wanted to try it all.

Rash got up to go, and with a smile he turned, kissed Rhania, and said, softly "next Wednesday".. All she could manage was a weak smile, already hungry for more. Next time she wanted to play dirty.... and she, for the first time in two weeks, couldn't care less....

introducing... me!!

Ok, so this is me... and I'm gonna get a little bit serious on this post while I try to explain who I am. I'm 28 years old, female, married mother of three. I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 16, and had my second at age 19. My third one was born when I was 25, and I am still with the same guy.. so this year will be our 13th year together 

I hate chocolate & cake with a passion- but not because I hate fatty foods. I LOVE cheese. And Iced Coffee. I am mostly a bitch, and like things to go my way.. I love serious talks about science, and am an atheist. I aspire to be an author, but for now my aim is to make some money, and I have just secured my first  job in years. I love maths in general, and do logic puzzles in my spare time. And facebook. I love to cook what I call 'traditional' meals but sometimes cheat and use a packet mix. I love attention and will make my own if I have to. I got the name briohazard for that reason.. and that is a spin off of my real name. Some mates call me B-Banger, and that is because I have a tendancy to be caught with my g-string up to my shoulders. I live in Australia and hate daylight savings.. but love the sun. I want to see & feel snow one day, and would love to see a white Christmas. All in all I'm pretty easy going, and love a laugh- I love when I see that so many people have visited my blog, as I started out purely to scratch my writing itch. Thanks for supporting my ego guys ;)

5 things not to do whilst drunk.. or sober

It's been a while since I have had internet credit, and a lot has happened in my neck of the woods. First things first, I am NOT knocked up from my drunken night out.. which is always a bonus I guess. AND I had 12 bottles of moscato delivered to me for free! All the better excuses to have more wine.. which, by the way, I happen to have a lot of at the moment. This may or may not be a good thing. Three days ago it wasn't such a good thing. Especially at lunchtime. Especially at my friends house.. especially with her parents there. ESPECIALLY when I somehow didn't notice I was the only one drinking. Uh huh.. yep, it happened JUST like that. But it DID get me thinking about what the etiquette is for drinking, because clearly I need a lesson or two. But not from my mates; who have managed to accomplish the following:

• Never decide to have a bonfire. And if you do, try not to have one in your backyard, and TRY to get some kindling first. If you haven't managed to find a better spot, or get some kindling it's probably best that you cancel the bonfire idea altogether.. because it could end up being very expensive. Some things that are flammable, and not intended for bonfires include the following: Your tupperware. Your dining chairs. Your coffee table. Your kitchen table. Your neighbours kitchen table. Your lounge suite, and your wheelbarrow. Just so you know
• Never try and steal a boat. And if you do try, it may not be a good idea to knock on the owners door and politely tell them that that is what you intend to do first. And IF you decide to be that silly, it's best you don't tell them exactly what your name is, and where you are staying so you can catch up for a coffee and tim tams the next day. It is also advisable that you know that police can and do get warrants to search your tent, and they WILL knock on your flap when you are severely hungover at daybreak.. whether you happen to be sleeping naked or not. 
• Remember who your other half is, and when you enter a decor shop together keep an eye on him. Because you may find yourself looking at products, and he may just move on elsewhere. Best you be checking faces, as you wouldn't want to sidle up to someone else, run your hands across their ass and whisper 'hey hunni' into their ear.. especially if their wife is standing right next to him, and your partner is standing 5 metres away pissing himself laughing. Especially in broad daylight where the entire store can see you, and the shop assistant that will be serving you directly. You could end up red faced, so don't do it..
• Never order absolutely everything off of the McDonalds menu, especially for two people, pay for it, then walk across the road & buy smokes and leave the entire feed at the petrol station- it could be a severe loss of money to the tune of hundreds of dollars, and leave you with nothing but smokes and an empty stomach.
• Never play truth or dare.. ever. Apart form spilling your best kept secrets, you could end up with a very uncomfortable feeling. If you choose to accept 'dare' to keep your integrity, make sure no-one happens to dare you to streak across the road, touch the fence, and run back. Because you could possibly get to the fence, realise your neighbours are in the back of their ute getting frisky.. accidently look them in the eye, and run back to find your mates have locked you out the front underneath a streetlight. And if you happen to be a guy, make damn sure it's not cold outside first

I think the etiquette is pretty clear- and I think my mates have it perfectly sorted out

perks of being a pussy

cat would be absolute bliss. Imagine, the usual, staying up late, being fed, sleeping throughout the day... the list goes on. (does that make my husband a cat??) A phone call with my friend got me thinking about this deeper.. I wondered what other quirks i would enjoy, if in fact I were a pussy....cat.

1. Not getting judged by other cats about the age you start having children, nor how many  Imagine! If your life long dream was to leave school at 14 and have 12 kids, this would be the perfect animal to be! You could have 6 kids at a time and still be appealing to other cats.. and no one will judge you! You'd have already left home and you could just lay around all day letting them tear up the place..
2. Not being laughed at about how saggy your boobs are or whether you're even wearing a bra. You could even get nipple piercings and noone will notice, stretch marks and everything get covered by an awesome layer of fur. How schmexy
3. Not having to work for a living eating out of a silver dish, being served fine food. Why, there aren't even any bills to pay .. everything is free.. no need to work! You could spend your days raising your 12 kids from 12 fathers!! 
4. Having your arrogance accepted if you want to act like a snobby toffee nosed cow it is just plain acceptable! No need for money, nice things, the best clothes.. you could live in a trash can and still turn your nose up at everyone. And think of all the cat fights you could have with the females from around the block.. oh my oh my, and you still wont get a label!
5. Back rubs lets face it.. everybody could do with a backrub. But you don't need to do the dishes, be in labour, get your sexy on, or sign over your soul to someone to recieve this! Just jump on someones lap, stretch out and relax... instantaneous massage material right there. 
6. Being able to hide from the children anywhere, and not feel bad about it! Feel like curling up and going to sleep? If you were a cat then you could! No need to worry about what your kids are doing, because it's not even your lounge suite they are tearing to shreds, or your pet fish that they are trying to eat. You don't even need to feed them, your owner will take care of that, or they will just find their own food. Get up to kids in the night? Nah, just lay on your side, expose your nipples and go back to sleep

There are certainly some perks to being a cat.. I may just possibly look into this when I'm reincarnated. Sux I don't believe in reincarnation though.. meh

5 things not to do whilst having sex at a party...

Well i have felt so naked not being able to blog, due to having no internet credit. Fuck the neighbors for not having unsecured networks, that would have made my life so much easier, (and their bills very, very interesting), but alas they don't, and I have had to try and find a way to survive without the internet. Sucks really, how our lives revolve around technology, doesn't it? Well, my life also revolves around sex too, but seeing as I haven't been putting out for my husband for two whole months because of a medical condition I have been living in hell! (And possibly him too, I would imagine)

Well, we did manage to have sex, but apparently our timing and choice of location was all wrong. Typical, just when you get all hot under the collar... boom, there's people around who find out what you're doing. We were at a dress up party- Pirates & Wenches- and I had had, as usual, one too many sambucas... and vodkas.. and shotties... and gin... I thought I would give you guys a run down of what not to do if busted bonking..

1. One way to avoid being busted to start with is to not park your car under a street light, and assume because it is not in front of the party that you won't be caught. Also, it is a good idea to assume if there is a house on the other side there are more than likely going to be people living in the house...
2. Try not to whimper, moan & groan.. your car is neither soundproof nor is it the little bubble you think you are in. Even worse to do this if you have cracked the window a little on account of the fact you thought it would be a good idea incase the windows fogged up.. could even be the reason people come to see what's going on...
3. When your car window is knocked on by four (yes, four.. I'm lucky aren't I?) people, don't jump up and flash your lily white ass to them. This could result in your knickers that are draped around your feet to become tangled and make you fall off of the car seat. Just saying....
4. Do not, under any circumstances walk back into the party together. Check your fishnet stockings are back on the right way around, and that you haven't tucked your short white dress into the back of them showing off your tiny black french knickers. And DO NOT look at anyone... it is highly likely the whole party has already heard about what you've just been busted doing and is grinning at you and ready to give you a high five. OK around friends, not so OK when there's 80 people you don't know...
5. And last, but not least, do not even consider admitting it. Deny, deny, deny! The results of admitting it could make you the brunt of all jokes for weeks to come, especially if the ones who busted you were fellow school mums who park next to you at the kids after school pick-up time....

Any of the above points may or may not have happened to me over the weekend, and may or may not have been highly embarrassing and/or FANTASTIC fun.. I may or may not do it again soon.. if it even happened to start with.... just saying... ;)


written exclusively by Briohazard 15th February 2012

9 of the best tips to save money

We all know what having no money feels like.. and it sux, right? And we've all googled our little bums off looking for a way to pinch those pennies... but they all say the same thing. Invest, consolidate, turn off your electricity, walk don't drive... nothing new... Well, here are my tips..

1. Sell your house & contents and buy a tent. You could really get back to nature, especially when you go to the toilet. Who needs a dual flush when a shovel is a one-off investment? And think... you could do your washing down the river, dry it on some branches and run around nude half the day.. and no one would care! You could even say to the kids "were you born in a tent?" when they leave the flap over. Imagine when the cops come.. they could knock on your flap and announce they have a warrant to search your tent. True story.. they actually do do, and can do that (not mentioning any names here hahaha)
2. If you cannot sell your house, get your electricity cut off. It's kinda halfway back to nature.. but in style! You could play "murder in the dark" every night with your mates, or run around with glowsticks on. That in itself is a cool enough reason to not have electricity. Don't worry about a TV.. use your neighbours for entertainment. If they don't provide you with any, make them. Toilet paper their car, and watch as they are in a hurry for work in the morning. Knock on their door and run away, just as the annoying kids of the neighborhood are coming around. Perfect reason to get the popcorn out and open those loungeroom windows.
3. Get rid of your car and get a scooter from K-Mart for $80 to get around on. Not only are they the coolest inventions ever, they are hell fun. So little energy to get to the local deli to get milk. Unless of course you can't ride the damn thing and just about break your ankle trying to negotiate a complex manouver around your mother in law inside your house...
4. Don't have any fun. At all. Give up drinking, smoking, food, your life. You will definately save money this way. Tell all of your friends you're going full emo and watch the plates of food, the bottles of wine, and the invites for fully paid for night out roll in. Watch your bank account roll up. See.. smart!
5. When an invitation says bring a plate.. do just that. Bring your family, and bring five plates. Better still, get as many invitations to these events as you can. If you work this right you may be able to eat for free all week. Load up your empty plates that you bought, and feign gastro. They will completely understand that you must leave.. take your food and run! Just don't do it to the same group of friends, and you have it easy. Sidenote: don't tell the kids what you're doing, they're likely to announce it at the top of their lungs.
6. Have more kids. Apply to the government for child assistance. Try and have quadruplets each time if you can help it, and get the multiples allowance. You will recieve a health care card, pension, discounted rates everywhere you go, free food from Heinz, and free nappies from Huggies. You could even have your own TV show, and rake it in like that. Imagine, you could be famous! Especially if you have them all at 16!
7. Stop wearing clothes. Become a hippy. Clothes are such a waste of money.. if you're cold, wrap a blanket around you. If you're hot, free style it. Pun intended. The upside of doing this is you will have people offering you free clothes, in the hope that they will never see your saggy boobies ever again. Bonus. Do this for a month and you will have enough clothes donations to last you all year. Just don't try and ride a bike naked.. that could get nasty
8. Want to get sloshed? Go on wine tasting tour. All you have to do is sneak into a group of tourists, and pretend to be one of them. Try to stay inconspicuous.. wearing clothes here is probably a good idea. Laugh, joke, carry on, entertain yourself, and then have a ton of fun! When the night is just about ended all you have to do is sneak back off home, and you're drunk.. free!
9. Save water and shower in the local change-rooms at your swimming pool. To get in free just tell the attendant you're there to pick up a friend and have to go find them, then duck into the shower and have a ball. To get away with this, and to get back out without them cottoning on,  all you have to do is find the nearest person, tell them their car still has its lights on, and walk out with them. Wave happily to the attendant, then realise suddenly it was the wrong car and wrong person. Apologise, and run.

After a year of doing this you should have a nice little nest egg.. but probably have no friends left.. and that's if you don't end up in jail. I do not condone, guarantee or endorse a word I have written here, nor do I encourage anyone to follow my advice, and if you do, don't blame your lack of brains, balls, or poor decision making skills on me.. I'm just a writer, and as the saying goes, don't believe everything you see on the net. If you do -however- use any of my poor advice, send me pictures or it didn't happen ;) 


written exclusively by Briohazard 4th February 2012

I came out alive!!

The time came yesterday to dive headfirst into it. There was no going back- things had gotten beyond bad. Yes.. it was time to "Clean Miss 3's Bedroom". She had lost her beloved doll, and we HAD to find her... we had gone beyond  tears..we were in TantrumVille and I couldn't replace this dolly, she was custom handmade by CottonBerry for her, and Miss 3 loves her, and takes her absolutely everywhere. It was do or die. My first thought was going to the shed, finding the rake and raking her bedroom, dumping all contents in a garbage bag, and running for my dear life... but that went beyond the logic of finding her doll. So I decided to don a singlet top with no bra, a pair of old tracksuit pants, hair tied back and no makeup. This was War. I was Going In. I have learnt the following since:

1. Anything wet should be treated with extreme caution. It is not advisable to sniff whatever it might be- just treat it with disinfectant, soak it up, or throw it out. There is no need to be putting stale milk on the tip of your nose
2. Watch out for earrings, lego, and booby traps your 3 year old may have set for you. They will be placed so the arch of your foot will fit perfectly into the sharp point. If and when this occurs, try not to jump around holding one foot cursing, you may just jump straight onto another shard of something.
3. Don't have the fantastic idea "I might change the room around at the same time". Especially before the clean has started. You may find yourself with a bed above your head wedged between a door and a wall....
4. If you decide to go through the toybox on the same day, put some gloves on. There is all types of god knows what at the bottom of this thing, and you may just put your hands into a very old bowl of milk. But, the upside is you can stop blaming the dog for farting now you realise where that horrible smell has come from. 
5. Under no circumstances should you also decide to refold all of the clothes before you complete the room. Pulling them all out of the wardrobe with the best intentions doesn't equal them actually being done. You could end up with a clean floor and a bed full of clothes at bedtime.. if you manage to finish cleaning the room before bedtime.

Last but not least, take in an emergency beacon, some flares, emergency food supplies, gloves, a tin opener and plenty of water incase you get lost, and tell someone you know you are Going In! Many mothers sanities have been lost between the four walls of the childs bedroom. I may or may not have lost mine a long time ago. .. be prepared! Oh.. and we ended up finding her doll... in the car on the way to get the boys from school.


written exclusively by Briohazard 3rd February 2012

my own little slice of the McFuckin-excited burger

Well I am hell excited!! I have been blogging for 20 days now, and when I started I never thought I would see that number 1,000 on here.  I know it's small fish, but I'm going to drink to that regardless. Here's what has happened in the last 20 days blog-wise:

• My Facebook page has hit 113 likers (even though it is still very plain).. I like to use this to inform likers of my new posts. So if you don't follow on Blogspot, pop over there and like my page to stay updated.
• I have a tame version of myself in a guest post on an awesome website, Stay At Home Mum 
• I have hit 1,000 page views right here on my blog. 
• I have blogged 14 posts

As you can probably imagine I'm super excited, I'm loving this new venture and it sure as hell is keeping me busy! I have worked out gadgets and links, and some of the technical stuff, helped others set up blogs, and driven my husband crazy with the late nights. Now, if only I could find a job that paid money! Thank for your support.. those that have commented, those that have dropped off cakes to me, and those that have listened to me blabber utter bullshit for the last 20 days


written exclusively by Briohazard 31st January 2012

ten tips to getting your sexy on

That phone call comes.. you've agreed to a date with the girls, tonight, and you look like a mess. You have your dressing gown on still, and your hair is a birds nest. Everything is on the floor and your makeup is nowhere to be found. Shit! You can't miss this.. you know your girlfriends are going to look amazing. You just want to rock up not looking like a bogan. Here's how:

1. Shave those legs! We all know that it looks like a forest under those pants.. don't deny it. It would take a whipper snipper and lawnmower just to get through it ready for shaving. You were gonna do it last week, right, but the kids interrupted you? Don't fret, all women do it.. and if they say they don't they're full of shit. Nicely shaved legs can make you feel ready to face the world.. or the girls, at least. Trust me, you leave one hair on there and they'll know about it. Especially if you decide to wear a dress.. that shit looks plain nasty! Map out your course, shave anything that you come across from your waist down. Don't beat around the bush
2. Wax your eyebrows. Remember high school, where an eyebrow wax should have been mandatory, but we didn't know they existed? Don't go with the mono brow look. Some people find this look sexy, but you will usually find them in Wal-Mart... not on the dance floor. Get that caterpillar and turn it into a butterfly, or risk being singled out.. literally
3. Find an outfit & iron it. By ironing it I mean getting the iron out, not shaking it hoping the wrinkles will come out. I don't know about you, but the only time my iron ever sees the light of day is when my mother in law visits, and I pop on my apron and pretend to do all thing motherly. If you can remember where your iron lives, get it out and please don't burn yourself like I did last time, on my neck. Don't ask- irons fucking hate me.
4. Sexy shoes! They make all the difference, don't they. Fuck them being comfortable, you will probably end up taking them off anyway. May as well look good. Sexy shoes do not include the following: Clogs. Slippers. Thongs. Flats. Crocs. Gumboots.. or, my ultimate, ugh boots. I can't work out why people think these look hot. You don't look hot, you look cold and I cant fucking work out why, if you're cold, you have a skimpy little top on. You look like a ho.. a cold, cold ho, trying to pass as a playboy bunny. News flash girlfriend- you look like a retard.
5. Don't experiment! I am deathly guilty of this one... all of the time. I wished I would take my own advice. I went out one night recently after buy new green eyeliner, and proceeded to try to be "different", and failed. Miserably. I looked like a dead peacock was spread over my eyes- the colour was beyond horrible on my near albino face. Facebook proved to be invaluable in this case, the very next day there I was, all peacock eyed for all the world to see. Fail.
6. Nice underwear.. this can make a huge difference. I don't know about you, but a pair of skin tight white shorts over a black Gee looks rank.  So does your apron skin hanging over your 3 sizes too small knickers. I'm not knocking any ones size, I'm hardly a size 10 myself, I'm saying this to everybody, even you skinny freaks. If you think you are too funky for your chicken then go right ahead and look like you don't know how to either shop or dress yourself. Same goes for bras.. If your tits are 10A, honey, don't try and get away with a DD cup... this shit just doesn't work. I may or may not have ever done that to learn the lesson from it.
7. Do something with your hair. Straighten it, curl it, flick it, mess it.. it's up to you. Just take that fucking scrunchy out and make sure your hair is clean, please. If you are in desperate need of a colour do a loose up style... nothing is worse than seeing a chick with greasy roots and 3 inch regrowth on the dance floor.. if you're gonna do that then you may as well be in the pokie room with the grannies rubbing up their machines for luck...
8. Choose a super sexy outfit.. and one that fits, please. You can be as skinny as a ruler for all I care, doesn't mean go shorter and tighter like some girls I know. Skinny isn't an instant ticket to short & tight. sure, if you want to wrap yourself around a pole, go for it. Or if you want to stand on a corner. Working with your body is what you want to do. If you have great tits Hun, dress them up and make them a feature! If you have a great ass wear some hot jeans and heels. If you are straight up and down add some texture to give you some shape.. if all else fails throw a paper bag over your head and exclaim you thought it as a dress up...
9. Watch the bronzer. Its all great and well to have a good 'glow', but when that look turns oompa loompa you're getting it wrong. We all have that friend, don't we, with white as white hair flowing down their back and orange skin. Great for a facebook laugh..not great for the one getting laughed at.. don't let it be you! And please, please, don't fucking put it as your damned profile picture when you're standing next to a porcelain skinned mate!! Or do. I love laughing.
10. Wear your attitude. Your attitude can account for 50% of your overall look. If you go out looking like a gift of god, but have a cuntox persona, you're gonna slip on the sexy scale faster than you can say "look at me". Be confident, yes, but don't be the one who looks like their friends are an embarrassment to them. The perfect description of this type of mole is the one who photoshops only themselves in an awesome picture, and including their friend who is looking messy in the picture and not touching even a blemish control to their face. Cunts. I know who you are. Nobody likes you to tell you the truth... we just enjoy laughing at your fakeness behind your derriere

And guys, this is precisely why we take so damn long in the bathroom.... what's your excuse?

written exclusively by Briohazard 31st January 2012

oh welcome back, darling sanity!

School is officially back. Well, in eight hours to be precise, but still.. I'm excited! I wonder how other families get through the Christmas holidays. Are they like me.. silently wishing the plague onto the government for coming up with the preposterous idea that kids should be home for 6 weeks in the middle of summer? Or do they jump for joy at the glorious sleep ins? Wouldn't life be bliss if school and holidays worked with us and not against us?

1. School should start at 11am, not 8.30am. This would allow for a delicious sleep in, well rested kids and a happy mother. They could still have their seven hours of education, we would just have to change pickup time to 6pm. I could work with that very easily. 
2. Ditch the homework. Nobody told us when we got pregnant that we would have to spend a minimum of 5 nights a week, 40 weeks a year, over twelve years per child to fight about homework. At the very least we parents should have an alcohol allowance of, say, a bottle of wine per week. Homework should be done at school and should be called schoolwork.
3. Cut back the holidays. I know teachers have a hard job.. but they kinda chose that profession themselves, it's nothing I would put my hand up for! Hell, I don't even put my hand up for any type of job that involves the supervision of kids. I'm not that nuts. If I wanted 20 kids I would have had 20 kids. They get enough perks with their jobs.. 2 weeks off every 2.5 months, with a 6 week break over Christmas, weekends off, public holidays off, and that very convenient Student Free Day that happens to occur right before a public holiday with a weekend in between. 
4. Ditch the detentions. I know my kid is a little shit, but I have a hair appointment at 3.15pm and nobody consulted me about this. My kids are my kids in my time.. although they would probably much rather be in detention than listen to Mrs Snippity-Snip gossip about the Smiths & Joneses ironing procedures. Come to think of it, I shouldn't have told them I had a hair appointment. Probably why the little tigers got themselves detentions to start with...
5. Send notes home a minimum of 2 days before a class party. In a locked safe the size of a breadbin. This is the only way we will know there are notes. My child does not volunteer notes, especially when they are bright red and addressed to me. I do not dare stick my hands down to the bottom of that bag for anything. It would be appreciated if we werent told at 8.59pm at night by the children there is a class party in the morning and that they have volunteered me to cook a healthy cake. Last time they did this all I had in the house was some milky ways, smarties, and tiny teddies. Hardly healthy. I made those little milky way cars ..so cute. The teacher told me it wasn't healthy... so I told him the chocolates were tiny.. and moderation is healthy. I got away with it.

Now of course I love my darling little vipers, with all of my heart, and want to spend as much time with them as possible.. but after a holidays full of fighting and mothers in laws visiting, Christmas madness and 40 degree weather I am ready to get myself a coffee & some timtams (minus the timtams, I hate chocolate) a good book and a hammock before the after school homework/tea/bath routine starts all too soon..... aren't they just adorable when they're asleep? 


written exclusively by Briohazard 30th January 2012

Kids have taught me well...

I think I may have decoded my three children, after 11 years of studying and countless melted crayons in the back seat of the car (which I would swear under oath they are placed there purely for their own form of sweet revenge on us) I don't know why it has taken this long, or quite frankly whether my head is even screwed on today... But this is what I have learnt:

1. "No!", in childrens language, means "ask again at a higher pitch and/or cry". A secondary no automatically defaults the first "no", and ergo counts as an official "yes" from us. Depending on the family, a second no will constitute said child running to the daddy, stating "mummy said I can paint my bed with lipstick". Daddy will usually not think twice about this, and believe childs word for it and let them happily play with mummys $40 Wet Shine Diamonds for hours. 
2. "Put that down" translates to "I want to watch you swinging my Very Expensive Crystal around your head.. on my tiled floor..in front of my toffee nosed friends". 
3. Bedtime= last-minute-homework-time/brush-teeth-time/whinge-time/play-DS-because-if-I-put-it-down-I-will-lose-important-level-time/perfect-time-to-build-a-cubbyhouse-time. I wonder what would happen if I ban my children from going to bed? I could try and use reverse psychology.. perhaps I could even convince them that all the cool kids are doing it? I could start a revolution! I must jot that down in my life planner, right under the entry "ensure children stay out of jail if possible"
4. If you would like a child to do something for you, it's a good idea to ask the other one. Guaranteed the first child will get their nose out of joint and whine that you didn't choose them. But just when you think you have this point down pat it backfires.. take note of this and use sparingly, and pounce when least expected
5. A toddlers vocabulary consists of three statements. These are variations of: "no", "mine", and "no, that's mine". The toddler is always right, and everything belongs to them should they decide they like it. And they do not even need to like it.. if they see someone else likes it they will automatically assume ownership. This applies to anything real or not, from the imaginary unicorn your other son isn't even aware of, to your car handbrake. 
6. Vegetables = evilness. To disguise a vegetable you need to trick them. Sometimes this is easy.. colouring mashed potatoes blue can automatically turn them into "blue magic clouds".. and sometimes it's hard.. they will sniff out a sliver of grated carrot in the most perfectly blended soup. The best thing I have learnt is naming the vegetables cool names. But please be aware that not everyone at the restaraunt will understand what "cutesy tootsey magical hula hoops" are..(calamari) especially when you realise your child is now 24 years old and you just say it automatically.. could get a stare or two.
7. Saying anything controversial in front of your child, or within earshot (which could be anything between 2cm away and 100m, depending on the subject)  automatically allows them to repeat said controversy to the person you were talking about. remember this. All communication with anybody should be done via writing, or preferably the Secret Service.
8. The oldest child automatically assumes himself as "The Great One And Only Mr Boss Man". This is not negotiable. Anything and everything they determine is not right in their eyes will be mentioned. Usually in public, and again, usually at an unbearable pitch and within earshot of Mrs Perfect Mummy with a Mr Perfect Child
9. If it is within reach,or not, it means we have put it there specifically to be touched. Or not. It doesn't matter.. they will assume all rights to it whether it is fixed into the kitchen bench or not. This assumption they have rights to it automatically includes an assumption they are allowed to get a permanant texta and scribble on it.. even if it is your friends Very Important Resume you are to drop off the next day..
10. Chocolate is designed purely, in their eyes, to be left in a warm place on expensive fabric, usually right out of view. And sometimes this can include the back of your friends car.. in which you will find out about it at your next Big Blow Up. Be aware.. chocolate should only be handed out under intense supervision, in a purely tiled room with no fabric at all. But be careful, this also turns even the most pleasant child into the next Steve-O from Jackass

So now that I apparently have this "All Figured Out" I ask myself, "Why I am pouring myself a glass of Moscato?" Maybe it could be because my daughter is trying to get the curtain off the lounge room window to make a cape for the cat.. I'm guessing I may just have a few more screws looser than I thought


written exclusively by Briohazard 23rd January 2012

late night infomercials

Fuck you infomercials. Now I'm convinced I  desperately need Proactive for my face, Wen Haircare System for my hair, AbSwing for my stomach, Rock and Chop knife set for my kitchen, Magic Bullet for my wellbeing and sanity, motivational DVD's for my future, financial DVD's for my wealth... and a H2O mop to clean up after. And it's not  just TV that makes us think these things.. it is adverts for weight loss aswell, and on occasion, my darling husband. And just so you know, the nice reply to 'do these jeans make me look fat?' is NOT, I repeat, IS NOT 'don't go blaming the jeans hunni....'


There is a serious need for more motivational, fun TV at night, because lets face it, Austar will probably never let me have another account ever again after our last "incident." Reality shows like Hoarders, 16 & Pregnant, & The Biggest Loser would fit great in these time slots, allowing us to eat our midnight toasted sandwiches without feeling like our lives are shit. Why can't we feel good about sitting there in front of the box while others slog it out? I like feeling good about myself,and others slogging it out is what makes me feel good.  But then BAM, those infomercials hit you like a ten tonne truck. Or my ten tonne ass to be more precise.. which is how they make you feel by the time they're done.


They also make you feel like you are living in a world of hidden disgusting scum that needs immediate attention, whether it be on your skin, in your mind, in your bank account or on your floor, in your oven, or under the rim of your alloy wheels outside. I pull my feet up and curl into the fetal position, waiting for these hidden germs to come attack me. Then I feel guilty... and realise! I am a Bad Wife! I do not sanitise my pot plants daily with a high pressure, high steam, high priced gadget like all the other wives on the ad! I do not buy hours and hours of budgeting advice and make millions in my first year! 


So naturally I decide to buy the damn things. All of them... and what do I learn from it? The products are not cleaning fairies. You have to actually get off your butt and utilise them... fan-fucking-tastic.. I thought I had the answers to all of my dreams....but now the only answers I have is to give to my husband why the credit card is out.  I have thousands of dollars worth of feel good impulse buys sitting in my laundry... and not one of them has up and done the washing.


It's the same for exercise equipment. It's all well and great that we own these pieces, but owning them doesn't equal using them. But it's great for when friends come over and see them, where you can let them assume you're being healthier than they are and being proactive *... snicker* But seriously, do you blame us for not using them? Because from what I could gather from the TV I would turn into a size 8 happy hot blonde chick with perfectly smooth skin, a lovely house and enough money to buy designer workout gear. BUT they're HARD to use!! And it takes AGES!! They are cheeky fucks on the TV aren't they? All my AbKing Pro is good for now is a pizza bench- a fucking $200 pizza bench... (it fits 3 pizzas on there, just for your information...)


So now I have decided to tune out to these ads. It makes more sense.. the less I see and hear them the more denial I can achieve. It most defiantely is a win win situation...


I also kinda tune out to the kids aswell now, but tend to miss important key elements like "can I use this knife to cut up my only photo of me in reception" and "look mum, I can balance on the TV". So next time my kids continually ask me if I have seen Peaches (our cat) with giggles and smirks on their faces I should be instantly suspicious. But no, I didn't catch on, and yes, Peaches spent the night packed in a box. Maybe I best start paying more attention to them and the infomercials

Infomercials, your producers got you in my head like they intended.. Respect and fuck you!


written exclusively by Briohazard 21st January 2012

Shit, my mother-in-law is on the way!

Every so often that call comes.. and you know it the second you press 'accept' that the next half hour is going to be a nightmare. You have registered on the 'do not call' list, you have stressed to your kids to always tell them that mummy is busy.. you have to put your phone on silent every night after 7pm just incase...but it happens. Yes, you have just been summoned to half hour talking with your mother in law.

Now I'm not saying that all mother-in-laws are bad.. hell, I even love mine, but there is always that one thing that puts a definitive line between the Queen & the Princess... and that is what is known as The White Glove Test. Generally, this isn't done very discreetly.. they pretty much rock up with the damn thing in a glass protection case. A pristine fingermark free-smooth- clean glass protection case...with bells and whistles. And a smirk to boot. Naturally your mother-in-law had the brilliant foresight to let you she will be there in 10 minutes, although she lives 300km away. I swear it's a set up. 


Over the last 24 hours your kids have managed to demolish the house, which by the way was pristine the day before, and smear jam on your glass sliding door. Your three year old has managed to paint the cat with blue fingernail polish and smash a light fitting in your loungeroom with a broom. Naturally you had cooked rissoles the night before, and because one of the gremlins decided not to go to bed you didn't have time to do the dishes. You just about have a coronary after you put the phone down after her announcement of an imminent arrival and fall to your knees.


 What better way, you think, rationally, to waste the next ten precious minutes than to get onto the phone to your husband and tell him how irresponsible he is for having a mother who rocks up out of the blue. And to call him every name under the sun for not having the forethought to tidy up after tea.. because it's his fault and all..


You holler out to your kids, who are indeed fighting and carrying on, to help mummy get the house into some sort of order. They ignore you and proceed to dump the lego on the floor. Knowing there is only 7 minutes left until your judgement day you look around the house and decide you are going to pick up the crap off of the floor with a broom. Anything in it's warpath will have no mercy.. then you sweep it into the laundry and wedge the door shut so that your husband will have to call a builder in to fix it. But it buys you time. Anything in the loungeroom gets scooped up in record time and shoved in your bedroom, which is pretty safe- my mother in law has not stepped foot in mine since the day she walked in and found my vibrator on my bed. 


 Anything on your benchtop gets shoved into a drawer/bag/cupboard with no consideration as to what it is. The spray and wipe comes out and you attack the kitchen quicker than chicks jump on a cucumber in a maximum security prison. The place is starting to look a lot better, and you have just enough time to pull the mop out and go over the floor with lightning speed. I have managed to complete this marathon in 10 minutes.. and all I can say is it gives me my own little smirk. You turn on the airconditioner to make the floors look like they haven't just been done, and whip around in your socks shutting all the curtains to hide the windows. It's easy enough to blame the weather.. it's too hot/cold/muggy/bright to have them open.

After everything is done you look around and smile. Ten fucking minutes, I am a legend! You plan your speech when she rocks up: "Ohhhh hiii, how great to see you! I'm so sorry the house is a pigsty, but I haven't had a chance to clean up yet. How embarrassing! You should have let me know sooner! Come in.. no, don't take your shoes off the floor is desperate for a wash.." Everythings set. You are ready to face The Inquisition. You are even ready to face the "has hubby been eating properly? The kids are looking a bit pale, have you found a million dollar job yet?" part of the visit. You make a coffee, sit down and relax. This is going to be OK. You wait for her, not even considering starting another chore should she shock horror bust you in the middle of it.... and then cotton on to your little deception. And of course, she decides to stop into uncle Bob's first, and is 2 fuckin hours late. Mother-in-laws. The bane of every wifes existance.

written exclusively by Briohazard 14th January 2012

11 reasons why America is stoned

Do you ever read something, and think What.The.Fuck? I was just browsing the net and came across some idiotic laws that have been passed in some states of America. Naturally it's safe to assume that some of these laws would have been bought about by lawsuits..but what I want to know though is  how the fuck do half of these  matters get into court in the first place? I would love to be on the jury of some of these choices... I would give up Percy for a while to do so.. and that's saying a lot.  Either whoever the big-wig is that gets to pass these was stoned, or an absolute fucking boss... I'm going to go with boss.. here's some of what I found:

• You cannot "worry a squirrel" .. rightio, I must remember to never sit down with a squirrel, drown my sorrows then tell it I am going to drive home.. I will refrain from telling him about my bills and about Aunt Glady's flatulance problems. How the fuck, and why the fuck would you even want to worry a squirrel? And what gets a squirrel worried anyways? That law is open to all types of interpretation. I could argue in a court of law that my lack of income worries squirrels, and ask for a supplement to keep the squirrel.... uhhhh, unworried?
• If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day"...Well that's one way to keep Jocelyn Wildenstein out of Wal-Mart, I guess... and it's a good way to keep singer Kelis out of our hair. But seriously, what an awesome law to have on your side! Imagine calling the cops because your arch nemesis is strutting the street with her always-perfect hair and clothes? Wouldn't it actually be fanfuckingtastic to be able to call on the authorities and complain anonymously that their looks are offensive? Because this law is open to interpretation aswell, and could be a great one to have up your sleeve! I would so do that.
• Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated... Well I can't remember the last time I saw a seagull, and found that the first thought that came to my mind was spitting on it? And why seagulls? Why not a sloth, or a llama? Are they exempt from that law? This screams prejudice to me. Someone has become waaaay to attached to seagulls. But hey, at least you're allowed to worry it, unlike the squirrel.
• It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm. OK, this is a bit weird.. what happens in the middle of a beating? Do the cops stand alongside, then once it hits 8pm go and arrest his ass? And what of the poor chick? I hope I am never standing on the courthouse steps before 8pm, that could get messy. But I spose I could avoid the risk completely by not taking my husband, seeing as this law only refers to married couples.
• It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. Now this, this is the type of law my husband would love to have framed in our bedroom, and in the car, and tattooed to my forearm. He would have a field day with this one. And again, too bad if you're not married, I guess it sux to be a single woman.. you'd never have the opportunity to drive a car up main street. And fuck it if you forget your red flag! I would have to believe a man came up with this law.. and i think it is beyond epic
• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish.. OK, lets get this straight. When I go fishing, I tend to use a rod and fishhook.. and I quite possibly had considered using a bucket at some point.. but never would I have imagined I would try and lasso one. I wouln't think that anyone else would have thought of that either, but apparently someone did, and it was offensive enough and worthy of money for this law to be passed. So in future, in a certain State in America, reconsider your fishing options, it may just land you in jail with the real criminals.. like the ones that go around worrying squirrels.
• In Lexington - By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground. I like this law. This could come in handy next time I go into my workplace after a hard night. I do not know what consitutes holding the ground, but apparently I'm still sober until I can't. And that's easy fixed.. I just will not attempt to hold the ground while I am in this State of America while I drink
• It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.. Those naughty frogs must have been at it again.. them and their sordid croaking. Someone, somewhere one day asks, "how can we stop this outrageousness?", and some toss bag decides to reply, "we'll pass a law.. that will solve it. It stopped the squirrels from getting worried". I wonder how they can possibly police this law? "hands in the air, you Litoria Verreauxi, or I'll shoot" Poor bloody frog! And the squirrel thinks HE has problems!
• Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them.I can see it now. Major drug operation in full swing, and Well Built Scary Guy says "hold on guys, lets just get our delicious little bumhoolios ready,  and pop on down to the taxman and put in our dues":.. or maybe not...
• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. haha! Sux if your neighbour lives three miles away! Can you imagine trying to organise a coffee and timtams with your best friend? Kids, check. Keys, check. Mobile, check. Rocket launchers... oh shit. Sorry kids, you cant play with your friends today because mummy has no rocket launchers left.. back inside! And that's not even bringing into account the fact there may be a squirrel around.. I would love to see that law contradict itself... "sorry officer, I couldn't let off the rocket launcher, I didn't want to worry the squirrel" 
• In Danville - All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. Now HOW HANDY and thoughtful is this law! Imagine how many lives could be saved if people simply had the consideration and foresight to make sure they checked the fire hydrants an hour BEFORE the fire! Hell.. Fireman Sam's job would be easy, considering Pontypandy is rife with fires everyday started by that little shit Norman that has no discipline, while his mother is desperately trying to score a root with the bus driver. And while I'm on the subject, who pays for all those helicopters and call out fees.. and why isn't Norman in Juvenile Detention?

I am going to make sure I never worry a squirrel ever again by trying to lasso a fish, just to be on the safe side...



written exclusively by Briohazard 17th January 2012

what is success?

What constitutes success? Is it a personal venture of "proving" yourself to others, is it conforming to social expectations,  is it a constant sense of achievement attained.. is it reaching a predetermined goal, or is it the dollar signs reflecting performance? Is it because you are highly sought after, or is it because you have a unique quality?

Success, to me, is a part of all of the above, but with the exact right blend of what I will refer to as "ingredients", if you will. I can even go as far as to say to be too perfect can actually be a failure in ones eyes, because I believe in yin and yan. If one is so perfect at something, whatever it may be, there will be a quality in their life that they lack due to the absence of attention they pay to that particular area, which then renders them un-perfect. If you look at the big picture you will see that for every up there is a down.


I wonder, though, is it conceited to allow yourself to assume success is either already attained, or unreachable, prematurely? Does that render the judge unsuitable for further direction? I ask myself if success can be measured, because due to the diverse opinions and potential  personal and professional social implications a measurement could only be as good as the bias behind it? Therefore success is only a mindset?

What is success? Something to think about


written exclusively by Briohazard 17th January 2012

keep your man happy

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Everybody's A Slut

Does it make you a slut if you dream of having sex with someone who's not your partner? I used to think so, but now accept its normal. But it would have to be the last thing anyone admits to...apparently this is a taboo subject and it's not acceptable to bring up in conversation, especially at McDonalds over a frappe....especially if your dream involves a mutual friend. Or their husband, for example.

Now honestly, you're either lying, have short term memory loss, are asexual or a fucking docile frigid  if this has never happened to you. Right now you are blushing because you've just remembered that sweaty, sultry, long, realistic dream you accidently had of fucking your friends boyfriend.. aren't you? I'm not saying the intention was there, or that you even wanted to dream about it.. but you liked it..... didn't you? *wink wink*


Do you know what the worst thing is? You have not seen this guy for months and months before the mind romp, then, naturally, after a steamy virtual night of the hottest sex you could only ever dream about, you happen to bump into him at Woolies. Holy fucken crackamolie, you don't know where to look.. you know what his penis looks like for fuck sakes! You -that very second- remember your dream in absolute clear detail .. and proceed to stand there with a stupid goofy look on your face.... and it all goes pearshaped from there. He knows! You can tell by the look he may or may not have given you when you both went to grab the cheese. What the hell 


Logically you know he doesn't know about your naughty thoughts, but that doesn't stop you going bright red and sinking into the nearest black hole which, naturally, is nowhere to be found in Woolies. Convenient.  You literally have to resort to grabbing the grossest cheese and getting the hell out of there. Juuuuust before you successfully make you magic getaway he mentions there's a BBQ. Tonight. His place. Of course in your haste you agree that you'd love to go. Brilliant.

Now let's get this straight. This situation is pretty much guaranteed to happen. Every friggin time. Of course the steamy night was fan-fucking-tastic in lala land, but this is reality, and you'd never even thought about this guy in this way beforehand. Now you can't get him out of your head. And he fuckin knows! Well, it feels that way. And it's going to, until you forget that dream. But until then you still need to go to that damn BBQ and play it cool. Fuck. Here's some do's and dont's to get you through that night:

• DO NOT look him in the eye while you're eating your sausage. You're likely to look like an absolute retard.. remember, he has no idea about the way your thighs pressed against his cheeks. Take small bites and, if necessary, find that bug walking on the ground very very interesting
• DO NOT giggle like a kid every time something comes out of his mouth. You may have had a sordid affair, but it's only in your head, not his. He's likely to think you have suffered a blow to your head if you can't control yourself.. but his version won't be the same  "blow to the head"  that you did in your dream, thats all
• DO NOT get drunk. If you do, you will feel the uncontrollable urge to describe in detail what happened. If, unfortunately, you manage to have one too many, at least wait til the others are drunk too- the result of not waiting is almost too funny to consider.. we all know what drunk people look like to sober people, don't we!
• DO refrain from playing truth or dare. Because knowing your luck a question will come to you that will relate to your dream. Under no circumstances are you to look at him should this game be unavoidable. Find your pet fly girlfriend... and no, I don't mean the one on your jeans.. that's the one that will take you from normal to slut in two seconds flat.
• DO remember that if he talks/looks/walks/directs anything towards you that it is not relating to last night. You risk people wondering how many eggs are in your carton. And if you have managed to smash the lot of them..

And last, but not least, if this dude has a mrs you need to convince her you are a lesbian, otherwise its more than likely going to end up on facebook in someones inbox that you are a  nasty ho. She will sniff you out of your secret quicker than it takes for a group of 29 year old woman with coffee and timtams to get a rumour around town. It's female law- abide and survive...


Good luck and sweet dreams


written exclusively by Briohazard 8th January 2012