9 of the best tips to save money

We all know what having no money feels like.. and it sux, right? And we've all googled our little bums off looking for a way to pinch those pennies... but they all say the same thing. Invest, consolidate, turn off your electricity, walk don't drive... nothing new... Well, here are my tips..

1. Sell your house & contents and buy a tent. You could really get back to nature, especially when you go to the toilet. Who needs a dual flush when a shovel is a one-off investment? And think... you could do your washing down the river, dry it on some branches and run around nude half the day.. and no one would care! You could even say to the kids "were you born in a tent?" when they leave the flap over. Imagine when the cops come.. they could knock on your flap and announce they have a warrant to search your tent. True story.. they actually do do, and can do that (not mentioning any names here hahaha)
2. If you cannot sell your house, get your electricity cut off. It's kinda halfway back to nature.. but in style! You could play "murder in the dark" every night with your mates, or run around with glowsticks on. That in itself is a cool enough reason to not have electricity. Don't worry about a TV.. use your neighbours for entertainment. If they don't provide you with any, make them. Toilet paper their car, and watch as they are in a hurry for work in the morning. Knock on their door and run away, just as the annoying kids of the neighborhood are coming around. Perfect reason to get the popcorn out and open those loungeroom windows.
3. Get rid of your car and get a scooter from K-Mart for $80 to get around on. Not only are they the coolest inventions ever, they are hell fun. So little energy to get to the local deli to get milk. Unless of course you can't ride the damn thing and just about break your ankle trying to negotiate a complex manouver around your mother in law inside your house...
4. Don't have any fun. At all. Give up drinking, smoking, food, your life. You will definately save money this way. Tell all of your friends you're going full emo and watch the plates of food, the bottles of wine, and the invites for fully paid for night out roll in. Watch your bank account roll up. See.. smart!
5. When an invitation says bring a plate.. do just that. Bring your family, and bring five plates. Better still, get as many invitations to these events as you can. If you work this right you may be able to eat for free all week. Load up your empty plates that you bought, and feign gastro. They will completely understand that you must leave.. take your food and run! Just don't do it to the same group of friends, and you have it easy. Sidenote: don't tell the kids what you're doing, they're likely to announce it at the top of their lungs.
6. Have more kids. Apply to the government for child assistance. Try and have quadruplets each time if you can help it, and get the multiples allowance. You will recieve a health care card, pension, discounted rates everywhere you go, free food from Heinz, and free nappies from Huggies. You could even have your own TV show, and rake it in like that. Imagine, you could be famous! Especially if you have them all at 16!
7. Stop wearing clothes. Become a hippy. Clothes are such a waste of money.. if you're cold, wrap a blanket around you. If you're hot, free style it. Pun intended. The upside of doing this is you will have people offering you free clothes, in the hope that they will never see your saggy boobies ever again. Bonus. Do this for a month and you will have enough clothes donations to last you all year. Just don't try and ride a bike naked.. that could get nasty
8. Want to get sloshed? Go on wine tasting tour. All you have to do is sneak into a group of tourists, and pretend to be one of them. Try to stay inconspicuous.. wearing clothes here is probably a good idea. Laugh, joke, carry on, entertain yourself, and then have a ton of fun! When the night is just about ended all you have to do is sneak back off home, and you're drunk.. free!
9. Save water and shower in the local change-rooms at your swimming pool. To get in free just tell the attendant you're there to pick up a friend and have to go find them, then duck into the shower and have a ball. To get away with this, and to get back out without them cottoning on,  all you have to do is find the nearest person, tell them their car still has its lights on, and walk out with them. Wave happily to the attendant, then realise suddenly it was the wrong car and wrong person. Apologise, and run.

After a year of doing this you should have a nice little nest egg.. but probably have no friends left.. and that's if you don't end up in jail. I do not condone, guarantee or endorse a word I have written here, nor do I encourage anyone to follow my advice, and if you do, don't blame your lack of brains, balls, or poor decision making skills on me.. I'm just a writer, and as the saying goes, don't believe everything you see on the net. If you do -however- use any of my poor advice, send me pictures or it didn't happen ;) 


written exclusively by Briohazard 4th February 2012