5 things not to do whilst having sex at a party...

Well i have felt so naked not being able to blog, due to having no internet credit. Fuck the neighbors for not having unsecured networks, that would have made my life so much easier, (and their bills very, very interesting), but alas they don't, and I have had to try and find a way to survive without the internet. Sucks really, how our lives revolve around technology, doesn't it? Well, my life also revolves around sex too, but seeing as I haven't been putting out for my husband for two whole months because of a medical condition I have been living in hell! (And possibly him too, I would imagine)

Well, we did manage to have sex, but apparently our timing and choice of location was all wrong. Typical, just when you get all hot under the collar... boom, there's people around who find out what you're doing. We were at a dress up party- Pirates & Wenches- and I had had, as usual, one too many sambucas... and vodkas.. and shotties... and gin... I thought I would give you guys a run down of what not to do if busted bonking..

1. One way to avoid being busted to start with is to not park your car under a street light, and assume because it is not in front of the party that you won't be caught. Also, it is a good idea to assume if there is a house on the other side there are more than likely going to be people living in the house...
2. Try not to whimper, moan & groan.. your car is neither soundproof nor is it the little bubble you think you are in. Even worse to do this if you have cracked the window a little on account of the fact you thought it would be a good idea incase the windows fogged up.. could even be the reason people come to see what's going on...
3. When your car window is knocked on by four (yes, four.. I'm lucky aren't I?) people, don't jump up and flash your lily white ass to them. This could result in your knickers that are draped around your feet to become tangled and make you fall off of the car seat. Just saying....
4. Do not, under any circumstances walk back into the party together. Check your fishnet stockings are back on the right way around, and that you haven't tucked your short white dress into the back of them showing off your tiny black french knickers. And DO NOT look at anyone... it is highly likely the whole party has already heard about what you've just been busted doing and is grinning at you and ready to give you a high five. OK around friends, not so OK when there's 80 people you don't know...
5. And last, but not least, do not even consider admitting it. Deny, deny, deny! The results of admitting it could make you the brunt of all jokes for weeks to come, especially if the ones who busted you were fellow school mums who park next to you at the kids after school pick-up time....

Any of the above points may or may not have happened to me over the weekend, and may or may not have been highly embarrassing and/or FANTASTIC fun.. I may or may not do it again soon.. if it even happened to start with.... just saying... ;)


written exclusively by Briohazard 15th February 2012

keep your man happy

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Everybody's A Slut

Does it make you a slut if you dream of having sex with someone who's not your partner? I used to think so, but now accept its normal. But it would have to be the last thing anyone admits to...apparently this is a taboo subject and it's not acceptable to bring up in conversation, especially at McDonalds over a frappe....especially if your dream involves a mutual friend. Or their husband, for example.

Now honestly, you're either lying, have short term memory loss, are asexual or a fucking docile frigid  if this has never happened to you. Right now you are blushing because you've just remembered that sweaty, sultry, long, realistic dream you accidently had of fucking your friends boyfriend.. aren't you? I'm not saying the intention was there, or that you even wanted to dream about it.. but you liked it..... didn't you? *wink wink*


Do you know what the worst thing is? You have not seen this guy for months and months before the mind romp, then, naturally, after a steamy virtual night of the hottest sex you could only ever dream about, you happen to bump into him at Woolies. Holy fucken crackamolie, you don't know where to look.. you know what his penis looks like for fuck sakes! You -that very second- remember your dream in absolute clear detail .. and proceed to stand there with a stupid goofy look on your face.... and it all goes pearshaped from there. He knows! You can tell by the look he may or may not have given you when you both went to grab the cheese. What the hell 


Logically you know he doesn't know about your naughty thoughts, but that doesn't stop you going bright red and sinking into the nearest black hole which, naturally, is nowhere to be found in Woolies. Convenient.  You literally have to resort to grabbing the grossest cheese and getting the hell out of there. Juuuuust before you successfully make you magic getaway he mentions there's a BBQ. Tonight. His place. Of course in your haste you agree that you'd love to go. Brilliant.

Now let's get this straight. This situation is pretty much guaranteed to happen. Every friggin time. Of course the steamy night was fan-fucking-tastic in lala land, but this is reality, and you'd never even thought about this guy in this way beforehand. Now you can't get him out of your head. And he fuckin knows! Well, it feels that way. And it's going to, until you forget that dream. But until then you still need to go to that damn BBQ and play it cool. Fuck. Here's some do's and dont's to get you through that night:

• DO NOT look him in the eye while you're eating your sausage. You're likely to look like an absolute retard.. remember, he has no idea about the way your thighs pressed against his cheeks. Take small bites and, if necessary, find that bug walking on the ground very very interesting
• DO NOT giggle like a kid every time something comes out of his mouth. You may have had a sordid affair, but it's only in your head, not his. He's likely to think you have suffered a blow to your head if you can't control yourself.. but his version won't be the same  "blow to the head"  that you did in your dream, thats all
• DO NOT get drunk. If you do, you will feel the uncontrollable urge to describe in detail what happened. If, unfortunately, you manage to have one too many, at least wait til the others are drunk too- the result of not waiting is almost too funny to consider.. we all know what drunk people look like to sober people, don't we!
• DO refrain from playing truth or dare. Because knowing your luck a question will come to you that will relate to your dream. Under no circumstances are you to look at him should this game be unavoidable. Find your pet fly girlfriend... and no, I don't mean the one on your jeans.. that's the one that will take you from normal to slut in two seconds flat.
• DO remember that if he talks/looks/walks/directs anything towards you that it is not relating to last night. You risk people wondering how many eggs are in your carton. And if you have managed to smash the lot of them..

And last, but not least, if this dude has a mrs you need to convince her you are a lesbian, otherwise its more than likely going to end up on facebook in someones inbox that you are a  nasty ho. She will sniff you out of your secret quicker than it takes for a group of 29 year old woman with coffee and timtams to get a rumour around town. It's female law- abide and survive...


Good luck and sweet dreams


written exclusively by Briohazard 8th January 2012

a mans handbook to surviving marriage

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Ohhh Lala!

I am deliriously in love with my vibrator. I love it’s purpleness and lights and bajillion buttons. I even have called it Percy. Percy is the centre of my nighttime ritual and no man or his dog comes between me and my fun time. Well, let me rephrase that… unless the dog is Rhona Mitra and the man is Jim Parsons then yes, of course I will make allowances for disruptions. 

Can you imagine what sex would be like with Jim? In character of course.. so I will need to refer to him as Sheldon. I’m not whacked.. that guy is so fucking intelligent not only is it a massive turn on but  with all of his know how about bits and bobs I’m pretty damn certain he would be the one and only guy in this universe that didn’t fuck using the in-out-in method. I would almost guarantee he would take it from a physiological approach and absolutely abuse the power of knowledge to my extreme benefit.. not too loudly I hope, pretty sure my mother in law wouldn’t appreciate it. Or my husband for that matter.

Add in Rhona Mitra- isn’t she just a plate of goodness? If I could take her right off of my TV screen during Boston Legal and pop her into my pocket I would. Again, in character. I’m not stupid, I already know in real life they’re nothing like their portayals.. I watch them on TV- they’re real enough… right? 

Obviously not though, which brings us back to the point of why I own a vibrator and am realistic about the whole situation. Isn’t it funny..  majority of us own one but majority of people go red or giggle when you mention the dreaded V word. I am not one to be embarrassed, as you will come to learn. BUT I do make an exception to the one time I was popping over my girlfriend and her hubby’s house for their family Christmas.

No shit, everyone was exchanging gifts. Her mum, her cousins, her grandmother, his parents (who by the way completely do NOT like me).. everyone, when he (girlfriends hubby) pulls out a gift for me. Instantly I knew he was up to no good when I saw the look in his eye and the giggle on my g/f’s face. I open a pack of 32 Heavy Duty AA batteries. Naturally that got everyones attention and they all look dumbfounded. Until my g/f’s GRANDMOTHER asks in front of everyone what they’re for.

You reckon I went red? That’s a fucking understatement! All eyes on me they wait for me to answer.. I was standing there opening and closing my mouth like a stunned mullet when, out of the blue, my g/f’s MOTHER decides to announce they are for my vibrator as I am always running out. If only I could go-go-gadget-go at that second and escape the boring eyes. See, normally I would be able to laugh with them about it, but I couldn’t- it was all true. I do always run out. I use so many batteries I have to budget them into our household bills.  

 I eventually got over the shock and basically accepted that I would be the brunt of all jokes that night. Which was kinda cool in the end, except for the fact that everybody now thought I was some kind of a freak. Maybe I am.. I did just blog about it after all..

Meh 


written exclusively by Briohazard 9th January 2012