Everybody's A Slut

Does it make you a slut if you dream of having sex with someone who's not your partner? I used to think so, but now accept its normal. But it would have to be the last thing anyone admits to...apparently this is a taboo subject and it's not acceptable to bring up in conversation, especially at McDonalds over a frappe....especially if your dream involves a mutual friend. Or their husband, for example.

Now honestly, you're either lying, have short term memory loss, are asexual or a fucking docile frigid  if this has never happened to you. Right now you are blushing because you've just remembered that sweaty, sultry, long, realistic dream you accidently had of fucking your friends boyfriend.. aren't you? I'm not saying the intention was there, or that you even wanted to dream about it.. but you liked it..... didn't you? *wink wink*


Do you know what the worst thing is? You have not seen this guy for months and months before the mind romp, then, naturally, after a steamy virtual night of the hottest sex you could only ever dream about, you happen to bump into him at Woolies. Holy fucken crackamolie, you don't know where to look.. you know what his penis looks like for fuck sakes! You -that very second- remember your dream in absolute clear detail .. and proceed to stand there with a stupid goofy look on your face.... and it all goes pearshaped from there. He knows! You can tell by the look he may or may not have given you when you both went to grab the cheese. What the hell 


Logically you know he doesn't know about your naughty thoughts, but that doesn't stop you going bright red and sinking into the nearest black hole which, naturally, is nowhere to be found in Woolies. Convenient.  You literally have to resort to grabbing the grossest cheese and getting the hell out of there. Juuuuust before you successfully make you magic getaway he mentions there's a BBQ. Tonight. His place. Of course in your haste you agree that you'd love to go. Brilliant.

Now let's get this straight. This situation is pretty much guaranteed to happen. Every friggin time. Of course the steamy night was fan-fucking-tastic in lala land, but this is reality, and you'd never even thought about this guy in this way beforehand. Now you can't get him out of your head. And he fuckin knows! Well, it feels that way. And it's going to, until you forget that dream. But until then you still need to go to that damn BBQ and play it cool. Fuck. Here's some do's and dont's to get you through that night:

• DO NOT look him in the eye while you're eating your sausage. You're likely to look like an absolute retard.. remember, he has no idea about the way your thighs pressed against his cheeks. Take small bites and, if necessary, find that bug walking on the ground very very interesting
• DO NOT giggle like a kid every time something comes out of his mouth. You may have had a sordid affair, but it's only in your head, not his. He's likely to think you have suffered a blow to your head if you can't control yourself.. but his version won't be the same  "blow to the head"  that you did in your dream, thats all
• DO NOT get drunk. If you do, you will feel the uncontrollable urge to describe in detail what happened. If, unfortunately, you manage to have one too many, at least wait til the others are drunk too- the result of not waiting is almost too funny to consider.. we all know what drunk people look like to sober people, don't we!
• DO refrain from playing truth or dare. Because knowing your luck a question will come to you that will relate to your dream. Under no circumstances are you to look at him should this game be unavoidable. Find your pet fly girlfriend... and no, I don't mean the one on your jeans.. that's the one that will take you from normal to slut in two seconds flat.
• DO remember that if he talks/looks/walks/directs anything towards you that it is not relating to last night. You risk people wondering how many eggs are in your carton. And if you have managed to smash the lot of them..

And last, but not least, if this dude has a mrs you need to convince her you are a lesbian, otherwise its more than likely going to end up on facebook in someones inbox that you are a  nasty ho. She will sniff you out of your secret quicker than it takes for a group of 29 year old woman with coffee and timtams to get a rumour around town. It's female law- abide and survive...


Good luck and sweet dreams


written exclusively by Briohazard 8th January 2012

those facebook freaks

It has to be said. There  are a lot of absolute wankers on Facebook, and it Drives Me Insane. Easy solution you say? Delete them? Well.. to be honest I would if their posts didn't provide me with topics to bitch to my friends about. Everyone does it..... right?


Who doesn't want to find out the juicy goss on the star couple who have just split up due to an infedelity.. who doesn't want to watch as they have an argument worthy of popcorn and an ezy-chair? Hell, sometimes I feel like plugging the damn laptop into the TV and adding commentary. But the best thing usually is when you are around at that critical moment when names get mentioned and you see them there for three seconds before they get deleted. What an honour! Naturally this is perfect material for a three hour phone call to your bestie describing how much of a slut she is, and how much he deserved it.


What about the pure elation you get from finding an open profile!? Especially an open profile of the fat bitch that stole your best friend? That is pure gold. I love reading how she is having trouble finding a bloke to settle down with, all the while I'm wondering how long it's gonna take her to try to fuck my ex-best-friends boyfriend. I pretty much know for a fact she will try to, she is so stupid. And she's done it before.  Whilst I am no longer best friends with my ex-best-friend I don't want to ever see her get hurt, but I do want see the fat bitch who caused the fallout to suffer ridicule and sniggers. But not at my ex-best friends cost. Ever. She's smarter than that


And there's always this one chick who, at any given point in time, is sick. Or whining. Nothing is ever interesting, and they are the biggest attention seekers you could find. They like their own statuses, and stick their nose into everyones business but hate it when people do it to them. Which is fuckin funny now that I'm thinking of it actually, because darling, if you post it on Facebook you're kinda telling the world.. it aint no fuckin secret!


OMG *snicker* what about the FML statuses that one guy always puts up, which say noone cares.... and when someone responds they reply with "don't worry about it" What.the.fuck? Dude, just a side note, if you do that on a daily basis I'm preeeeety sure people will end up hoping you delete them in your next cull. Or fall off a cliff, whichever may happen to come first. Don't hate me when I invite you on a rock climbing course, I'm just trying to help you out. Really.


"Like this and I will rate you" ... "like this if you will cry if I die", .. fuck off you little mmmboppity teeny bopper. Nothing screams immature attention seeking and underaged like these types of posts. There's a massive reason why I don't add anyone under the age of 18 to my friends list.. those updates and your fucking goofy duck-lips-in-the-toilet profile picture. Nothing like being unique these days. Loveys and gentlechilds, grow some pubic hair, and when your balls drop you can try to re-enter society.


Oh, and a massive con-fucking-gratulations to those with over two thousand friends. You are popular.. aren't you? The numbers make you feel like you are, don't they? Nothing like having two thousand friends and no one likes any of your statuses. A huge pat on the back for having the ability to use the "add friend" button. No..honestly, well done. What a skill to have to further your prospects in life. 


I thank the heavens for the people with a sense of humour. For the ones who post interesting, insightful updates. I'm not even being smart right now... these are the types of people I can be friends with. Thankyou to those who finished their English class before their bong. Thankyou to those who don't inbox you the second you go online, to those who don't post an update of their new hair colour every week. To those who actually say hi to you down the street. To those who don't add you just because you shared a drunken night with once.... and to those who don't add the photos to prove it


(no, a massive thankyou, I'm more than likely cringing or fantasisng about that kiss every time I see their name)

One last thing..... when is Facebook going to change their name to TwoFacedBook? 


written exclusively by Briohazard 13th January 2012