oh welcome back, darling sanity!

School is officially back. Well, in eight hours to be precise, but still.. I'm excited! I wonder how other families get through the Christmas holidays. Are they like me.. silently wishing the plague onto the government for coming up with the preposterous idea that kids should be home for 6 weeks in the middle of summer? Or do they jump for joy at the glorious sleep ins? Wouldn't life be bliss if school and holidays worked with us and not against us?

1. School should start at 11am, not 8.30am. This would allow for a delicious sleep in, well rested kids and a happy mother. They could still have their seven hours of education, we would just have to change pickup time to 6pm. I could work with that very easily. 
2. Ditch the homework. Nobody told us when we got pregnant that we would have to spend a minimum of 5 nights a week, 40 weeks a year, over twelve years per child to fight about homework. At the very least we parents should have an alcohol allowance of, say, a bottle of wine per week. Homework should be done at school and should be called schoolwork.
3. Cut back the holidays. I know teachers have a hard job.. but they kinda chose that profession themselves, it's nothing I would put my hand up for! Hell, I don't even put my hand up for any type of job that involves the supervision of kids. I'm not that nuts. If I wanted 20 kids I would have had 20 kids. They get enough perks with their jobs.. 2 weeks off every 2.5 months, with a 6 week break over Christmas, weekends off, public holidays off, and that very convenient Student Free Day that happens to occur right before a public holiday with a weekend in between. 
4. Ditch the detentions. I know my kid is a little shit, but I have a hair appointment at 3.15pm and nobody consulted me about this. My kids are my kids in my time.. although they would probably much rather be in detention than listen to Mrs Snippity-Snip gossip about the Smiths & Joneses ironing procedures. Come to think of it, I shouldn't have told them I had a hair appointment. Probably why the little tigers got themselves detentions to start with...
5. Send notes home a minimum of 2 days before a class party. In a locked safe the size of a breadbin. This is the only way we will know there are notes. My child does not volunteer notes, especially when they are bright red and addressed to me. I do not dare stick my hands down to the bottom of that bag for anything. It would be appreciated if we werent told at 8.59pm at night by the children there is a class party in the morning and that they have volunteered me to cook a healthy cake. Last time they did this all I had in the house was some milky ways, smarties, and tiny teddies. Hardly healthy. I made those little milky way cars ..so cute. The teacher told me it wasn't healthy... so I told him the chocolates were tiny.. and moderation is healthy. I got away with it.

Now of course I love my darling little vipers, with all of my heart, and want to spend as much time with them as possible.. but after a holidays full of fighting and mothers in laws visiting, Christmas madness and 40 degree weather I am ready to get myself a coffee & some timtams (minus the timtams, I hate chocolate) a good book and a hammock before the after school homework/tea/bath routine starts all too soon..... aren't they just adorable when they're asleep? 


written exclusively by Briohazard 30th January 2012

Everybody's A Slut

Does it make you a slut if you dream of having sex with someone who's not your partner? I used to think so, but now accept its normal. But it would have to be the last thing anyone admits to...apparently this is a taboo subject and it's not acceptable to bring up in conversation, especially at McDonalds over a frappe....especially if your dream involves a mutual friend. Or their husband, for example.

Now honestly, you're either lying, have short term memory loss, are asexual or a fucking docile frigid  if this has never happened to you. Right now you are blushing because you've just remembered that sweaty, sultry, long, realistic dream you accidently had of fucking your friends boyfriend.. aren't you? I'm not saying the intention was there, or that you even wanted to dream about it.. but you liked it..... didn't you? *wink wink*


Do you know what the worst thing is? You have not seen this guy for months and months before the mind romp, then, naturally, after a steamy virtual night of the hottest sex you could only ever dream about, you happen to bump into him at Woolies. Holy fucken crackamolie, you don't know where to look.. you know what his penis looks like for fuck sakes! You -that very second- remember your dream in absolute clear detail .. and proceed to stand there with a stupid goofy look on your face.... and it all goes pearshaped from there. He knows! You can tell by the look he may or may not have given you when you both went to grab the cheese. What the hell 


Logically you know he doesn't know about your naughty thoughts, but that doesn't stop you going bright red and sinking into the nearest black hole which, naturally, is nowhere to be found in Woolies. Convenient.  You literally have to resort to grabbing the grossest cheese and getting the hell out of there. Juuuuust before you successfully make you magic getaway he mentions there's a BBQ. Tonight. His place. Of course in your haste you agree that you'd love to go. Brilliant.

Now let's get this straight. This situation is pretty much guaranteed to happen. Every friggin time. Of course the steamy night was fan-fucking-tastic in lala land, but this is reality, and you'd never even thought about this guy in this way beforehand. Now you can't get him out of your head. And he fuckin knows! Well, it feels that way. And it's going to, until you forget that dream. But until then you still need to go to that damn BBQ and play it cool. Fuck. Here's some do's and dont's to get you through that night:

• DO NOT look him in the eye while you're eating your sausage. You're likely to look like an absolute retard.. remember, he has no idea about the way your thighs pressed against his cheeks. Take small bites and, if necessary, find that bug walking on the ground very very interesting
• DO NOT giggle like a kid every time something comes out of his mouth. You may have had a sordid affair, but it's only in your head, not his. He's likely to think you have suffered a blow to your head if you can't control yourself.. but his version won't be the same  "blow to the head"  that you did in your dream, thats all
• DO NOT get drunk. If you do, you will feel the uncontrollable urge to describe in detail what happened. If, unfortunately, you manage to have one too many, at least wait til the others are drunk too- the result of not waiting is almost too funny to consider.. we all know what drunk people look like to sober people, don't we!
• DO refrain from playing truth or dare. Because knowing your luck a question will come to you that will relate to your dream. Under no circumstances are you to look at him should this game be unavoidable. Find your pet fly girlfriend... and no, I don't mean the one on your jeans.. that's the one that will take you from normal to slut in two seconds flat.
• DO remember that if he talks/looks/walks/directs anything towards you that it is not relating to last night. You risk people wondering how many eggs are in your carton. And if you have managed to smash the lot of them..

And last, but not least, if this dude has a mrs you need to convince her you are a lesbian, otherwise its more than likely going to end up on facebook in someones inbox that you are a  nasty ho. She will sniff you out of your secret quicker than it takes for a group of 29 year old woman with coffee and timtams to get a rumour around town. It's female law- abide and survive...


Good luck and sweet dreams


written exclusively by Briohazard 8th January 2012