those facebook freaks

It has to be said. There  are a lot of absolute wankers on Facebook, and it Drives Me Insane. Easy solution you say? Delete them? Well.. to be honest I would if their posts didn't provide me with topics to bitch to my friends about. Everyone does it..... right?


Who doesn't want to find out the juicy goss on the star couple who have just split up due to an infedelity.. who doesn't want to watch as they have an argument worthy of popcorn and an ezy-chair? Hell, sometimes I feel like plugging the damn laptop into the TV and adding commentary. But the best thing usually is when you are around at that critical moment when names get mentioned and you see them there for three seconds before they get deleted. What an honour! Naturally this is perfect material for a three hour phone call to your bestie describing how much of a slut she is, and how much he deserved it.


What about the pure elation you get from finding an open profile!? Especially an open profile of the fat bitch that stole your best friend? That is pure gold. I love reading how she is having trouble finding a bloke to settle down with, all the while I'm wondering how long it's gonna take her to try to fuck my ex-best-friends boyfriend. I pretty much know for a fact she will try to, she is so stupid. And she's done it before.  Whilst I am no longer best friends with my ex-best-friend I don't want to ever see her get hurt, but I do want see the fat bitch who caused the fallout to suffer ridicule and sniggers. But not at my ex-best friends cost. Ever. She's smarter than that


And there's always this one chick who, at any given point in time, is sick. Or whining. Nothing is ever interesting, and they are the biggest attention seekers you could find. They like their own statuses, and stick their nose into everyones business but hate it when people do it to them. Which is fuckin funny now that I'm thinking of it actually, because darling, if you post it on Facebook you're kinda telling the world.. it aint no fuckin secret!


OMG *snicker* what about the FML statuses that one guy always puts up, which say noone cares.... and when someone responds they reply with "don't worry about it" What.the.fuck? Dude, just a side note, if you do that on a daily basis I'm preeeeety sure people will end up hoping you delete them in your next cull. Or fall off a cliff, whichever may happen to come first. Don't hate me when I invite you on a rock climbing course, I'm just trying to help you out. Really.


"Like this and I will rate you" ... "like this if you will cry if I die", .. fuck off you little mmmboppity teeny bopper. Nothing screams immature attention seeking and underaged like these types of posts. There's a massive reason why I don't add anyone under the age of 18 to my friends list.. those updates and your fucking goofy duck-lips-in-the-toilet profile picture. Nothing like being unique these days. Loveys and gentlechilds, grow some pubic hair, and when your balls drop you can try to re-enter society.


Oh, and a massive con-fucking-gratulations to those with over two thousand friends. You are popular.. aren't you? The numbers make you feel like you are, don't they? Nothing like having two thousand friends and no one likes any of your statuses. A huge pat on the back for having the ability to use the "add friend" button. No..honestly, well done. What a skill to have to further your prospects in life. 


I thank the heavens for the people with a sense of humour. For the ones who post interesting, insightful updates. I'm not even being smart right now... these are the types of people I can be friends with. Thankyou to those who finished their English class before their bong. Thankyou to those who don't inbox you the second you go online, to those who don't post an update of their new hair colour every week. To those who actually say hi to you down the street. To those who don't add you just because you shared a drunken night with once.... and to those who don't add the photos to prove it


(no, a massive thankyou, I'm more than likely cringing or fantasisng about that kiss every time I see their name)

One last thing..... when is Facebook going to change their name to TwoFacedBook? 


written exclusively by Briohazard 13th January 2012

a mans handbook to surviving marriage

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Ohhh Lala!

I am deliriously in love with my vibrator. I love it’s purpleness and lights and bajillion buttons. I even have called it Percy. Percy is the centre of my nighttime ritual and no man or his dog comes between me and my fun time. Well, let me rephrase that… unless the dog is Rhona Mitra and the man is Jim Parsons then yes, of course I will make allowances for disruptions. 

Can you imagine what sex would be like with Jim? In character of course.. so I will need to refer to him as Sheldon. I’m not whacked.. that guy is so fucking intelligent not only is it a massive turn on but  with all of his know how about bits and bobs I’m pretty damn certain he would be the one and only guy in this universe that didn’t fuck using the in-out-in method. I would almost guarantee he would take it from a physiological approach and absolutely abuse the power of knowledge to my extreme benefit.. not too loudly I hope, pretty sure my mother in law wouldn’t appreciate it. Or my husband for that matter.

Add in Rhona Mitra- isn’t she just a plate of goodness? If I could take her right off of my TV screen during Boston Legal and pop her into my pocket I would. Again, in character. I’m not stupid, I already know in real life they’re nothing like their portayals.. I watch them on TV- they’re real enough… right? 

Obviously not though, which brings us back to the point of why I own a vibrator and am realistic about the whole situation. Isn’t it funny..  majority of us own one but majority of people go red or giggle when you mention the dreaded V word. I am not one to be embarrassed, as you will come to learn. BUT I do make an exception to the one time I was popping over my girlfriend and her hubby’s house for their family Christmas.

No shit, everyone was exchanging gifts. Her mum, her cousins, her grandmother, his parents (who by the way completely do NOT like me).. everyone, when he (girlfriends hubby) pulls out a gift for me. Instantly I knew he was up to no good when I saw the look in his eye and the giggle on my g/f’s face. I open a pack of 32 Heavy Duty AA batteries. Naturally that got everyones attention and they all look dumbfounded. Until my g/f’s GRANDMOTHER asks in front of everyone what they’re for.

You reckon I went red? That’s a fucking understatement! All eyes on me they wait for me to answer.. I was standing there opening and closing my mouth like a stunned mullet when, out of the blue, my g/f’s MOTHER decides to announce they are for my vibrator as I am always running out. If only I could go-go-gadget-go at that second and escape the boring eyes. See, normally I would be able to laugh with them about it, but I couldn’t- it was all true. I do always run out. I use so many batteries I have to budget them into our household bills.  

 I eventually got over the shock and basically accepted that I would be the brunt of all jokes that night. Which was kinda cool in the end, except for the fact that everybody now thought I was some kind of a freak. Maybe I am.. I did just blog about it after all..

Meh 


written exclusively by Briohazard 9th January 2012

another sunday morning

It is 6.53am on a Sunday morning and I have a cat attached to my face. Literally.. like a crab claw on my nose. Apparently throwing kitty on me is my three year olds perfectly rational way of telling me she wants weetbix. A lovely tap on the shoulder and a cuddle obviously seems inconceivable to her. And, naturally, when I step out of bed my foot comes down (with all my weight I may add) onto the sharpest piece of lego known to man. For a full two seconds I stay on the damn thing contemplating admitting myself to a psych ward… but then pain overcomes me and I holler and carry on. The neighbours wouldn’t know any different- it’s definitely a morning ritual here. My husband laughs- so I peg a thong at him narrowly missing his gleeful face.

Being a mum I have given up hot coffee, cold icecream, and basically my entire stomach and boobs. Gone are the tight abs and look-at-me bosom….. I now have an apron round my waist and teabags hanging off my chest. Gone are blissful nights snuggling up with the hubby and the impromptu social calls at whatever time I desire. My life now includes a wall painted with icing sugar, a laptop with no “E, J or 8″ keys, and a constant droning voice “What HAVE you done today sweetie? You didn’t have time to do the dishes??” (insert evil eyes from me and a detailed exaggerated run down of every possible chore I may or may not have done for the day to try and filter out the fact I have possibly been on Facebook for a few hours)

You see, I am just an average Australian mum, just like the rest of you; waking up to what people without kids would curl up in a ball and sob over. You know those people.. they are also the ones that have it All Figured Out. The perfect parents with answers for every possible situation.

They are the ones who give your kids red cordial at 7pm at night then wonder why on earth your darlings are playing “hide the cat food in the washing machine.” still at midnight, while you’re desperately trying to give your kids The Look and the “you wait til we get in the car” speech between gritted teeth. All whilst adamantly denying any naughty/hypo issues your children may have, because, of course, the Non Parent has all the answers and although we know deep down they may have a point we will never admit it to the Other Side.

We would rather put our hand through a mincer than admit to them that our children do not stick to their routine, that they haven’t had their piece of fruit or the day or that yes, they did poop in the middle of the kitchen just for fun.

Kids tend to have one ambition: Drive Mum Crazy. And most of the time they succeed through their angelic blonde hair and blue eyes. But I’m on a mission. No longer is it my aim to have my child read before the age of 6 months.. I am now just clinging onto hope they will actually get up for school in time. Or brush their teeth without being asked, or possible come on a shopping trip to the local supermarket without asking the cashier if she has a mini or a willy. Yes, we’ve all been there haven’t we ladies!!

It’s funny, I had All The Answers eleven years ago when I had my firstborn. I was even sure I had a lawyer on my hands because he rolled over exactly 6.5 days before his peers… over time I have learnt it would be easier to train a monkey to perform brain surgery on the Queen from a remote location with no internet access. My ambition now is to bring my kids up so they are happy and confident. And don’t end up in jail, preferably. Hopefully.

During this time I hope to master the true art of recognising Beyblades, Squinkies, LalaLoopsies & Ninjago’s. And I hope they in return recognise the true art of a good vaccuuming, a shiny fridge, and a car without Hungry Jacks softserve fingerpainted on the windows. Or a brand new wooden kitchen table without a stick man with a penis etched into it.. (don’t ask) It’s all a part of my life and I wouldn’t live without any of it.

Well, the table I could have- I think I gave myself tonsillitis from that little hiccup. But regardless, ask me what will make me happy? I-phone, I-touch, I-pad?? Nope not on your nelly! A 6 month supply of Iced Coffee will do Sir, and a good glass of Moscato in complete silence….. (aka kids not strangling each other for a MINIMUM of five minutes)…. quite enough time to skull the bottle and hide the evidence in the laundry where No Man Goes would be, in my book, the best thing since sliced bread.

So, like a true Aussie stay at home mum I will say it loud, and I will say it proud.. I swear to every man on this continent if I win this I will refrain from describing childbirth as akin to pushing a chandelier out of my nostril and stop comparing my labour to every affliction and illness you have….

…until I decide you have man flu again- I swear 

(this was my competition entry I wrote for a website http://www.stayathomemum.net.au/ to win some omo, I didn't win it but they do have an awesome website, check them out)
written exclusively by Briohazard 21st December 2011