5 things not to do whilst having sex at a party...

Well i have felt so naked not being able to blog, due to having no internet credit. Fuck the neighbors for not having unsecured networks, that would have made my life so much easier, (and their bills very, very interesting), but alas they don't, and I have had to try and find a way to survive without the internet. Sucks really, how our lives revolve around technology, doesn't it? Well, my life also revolves around sex too, but seeing as I haven't been putting out for my husband for two whole months because of a medical condition I have been living in hell! (And possibly him too, I would imagine)

Well, we did manage to have sex, but apparently our timing and choice of location was all wrong. Typical, just when you get all hot under the collar... boom, there's people around who find out what you're doing. We were at a dress up party- Pirates & Wenches- and I had had, as usual, one too many sambucas... and vodkas.. and shotties... and gin... I thought I would give you guys a run down of what not to do if busted bonking..

1. One way to avoid being busted to start with is to not park your car under a street light, and assume because it is not in front of the party that you won't be caught. Also, it is a good idea to assume if there is a house on the other side there are more than likely going to be people living in the house...
2. Try not to whimper, moan & groan.. your car is neither soundproof nor is it the little bubble you think you are in. Even worse to do this if you have cracked the window a little on account of the fact you thought it would be a good idea incase the windows fogged up.. could even be the reason people come to see what's going on...
3. When your car window is knocked on by four (yes, four.. I'm lucky aren't I?) people, don't jump up and flash your lily white ass to them. This could result in your knickers that are draped around your feet to become tangled and make you fall off of the car seat. Just saying....
4. Do not, under any circumstances walk back into the party together. Check your fishnet stockings are back on the right way around, and that you haven't tucked your short white dress into the back of them showing off your tiny black french knickers. And DO NOT look at anyone... it is highly likely the whole party has already heard about what you've just been busted doing and is grinning at you and ready to give you a high five. OK around friends, not so OK when there's 80 people you don't know...
5. And last, but not least, do not even consider admitting it. Deny, deny, deny! The results of admitting it could make you the brunt of all jokes for weeks to come, especially if the ones who busted you were fellow school mums who park next to you at the kids after school pick-up time....

Any of the above points may or may not have happened to me over the weekend, and may or may not have been highly embarrassing and/or FANTASTIC fun.. I may or may not do it again soon.. if it even happened to start with.... just saying... ;)


written exclusively by Briohazard 15th February 2012

9 of the best tips to save money

We all know what having no money feels like.. and it sux, right? And we've all googled our little bums off looking for a way to pinch those pennies... but they all say the same thing. Invest, consolidate, turn off your electricity, walk don't drive... nothing new... Well, here are my tips..

1. Sell your house & contents and buy a tent. You could really get back to nature, especially when you go to the toilet. Who needs a dual flush when a shovel is a one-off investment? And think... you could do your washing down the river, dry it on some branches and run around nude half the day.. and no one would care! You could even say to the kids "were you born in a tent?" when they leave the flap over. Imagine when the cops come.. they could knock on your flap and announce they have a warrant to search your tent. True story.. they actually do do, and can do that (not mentioning any names here hahaha)
2. If you cannot sell your house, get your electricity cut off. It's kinda halfway back to nature.. but in style! You could play "murder in the dark" every night with your mates, or run around with glowsticks on. That in itself is a cool enough reason to not have electricity. Don't worry about a TV.. use your neighbours for entertainment. If they don't provide you with any, make them. Toilet paper their car, and watch as they are in a hurry for work in the morning. Knock on their door and run away, just as the annoying kids of the neighborhood are coming around. Perfect reason to get the popcorn out and open those loungeroom windows.
3. Get rid of your car and get a scooter from K-Mart for $80 to get around on. Not only are they the coolest inventions ever, they are hell fun. So little energy to get to the local deli to get milk. Unless of course you can't ride the damn thing and just about break your ankle trying to negotiate a complex manouver around your mother in law inside your house...
4. Don't have any fun. At all. Give up drinking, smoking, food, your life. You will definately save money this way. Tell all of your friends you're going full emo and watch the plates of food, the bottles of wine, and the invites for fully paid for night out roll in. Watch your bank account roll up. See.. smart!
5. When an invitation says bring a plate.. do just that. Bring your family, and bring five plates. Better still, get as many invitations to these events as you can. If you work this right you may be able to eat for free all week. Load up your empty plates that you bought, and feign gastro. They will completely understand that you must leave.. take your food and run! Just don't do it to the same group of friends, and you have it easy. Sidenote: don't tell the kids what you're doing, they're likely to announce it at the top of their lungs.
6. Have more kids. Apply to the government for child assistance. Try and have quadruplets each time if you can help it, and get the multiples allowance. You will recieve a health care card, pension, discounted rates everywhere you go, free food from Heinz, and free nappies from Huggies. You could even have your own TV show, and rake it in like that. Imagine, you could be famous! Especially if you have them all at 16!
7. Stop wearing clothes. Become a hippy. Clothes are such a waste of money.. if you're cold, wrap a blanket around you. If you're hot, free style it. Pun intended. The upside of doing this is you will have people offering you free clothes, in the hope that they will never see your saggy boobies ever again. Bonus. Do this for a month and you will have enough clothes donations to last you all year. Just don't try and ride a bike naked.. that could get nasty
8. Want to get sloshed? Go on wine tasting tour. All you have to do is sneak into a group of tourists, and pretend to be one of them. Try to stay inconspicuous.. wearing clothes here is probably a good idea. Laugh, joke, carry on, entertain yourself, and then have a ton of fun! When the night is just about ended all you have to do is sneak back off home, and you're drunk.. free!
9. Save water and shower in the local change-rooms at your swimming pool. To get in free just tell the attendant you're there to pick up a friend and have to go find them, then duck into the shower and have a ball. To get away with this, and to get back out without them cottoning on,  all you have to do is find the nearest person, tell them their car still has its lights on, and walk out with them. Wave happily to the attendant, then realise suddenly it was the wrong car and wrong person. Apologise, and run.

After a year of doing this you should have a nice little nest egg.. but probably have no friends left.. and that's if you don't end up in jail. I do not condone, guarantee or endorse a word I have written here, nor do I encourage anyone to follow my advice, and if you do, don't blame your lack of brains, balls, or poor decision making skills on me.. I'm just a writer, and as the saying goes, don't believe everything you see on the net. If you do -however- use any of my poor advice, send me pictures or it didn't happen ;) 


written exclusively by Briohazard 4th February 2012

I came out alive!!

The time came yesterday to dive headfirst into it. There was no going back- things had gotten beyond bad. Yes.. it was time to "Clean Miss 3's Bedroom". She had lost her beloved doll, and we HAD to find her... we had gone beyond  tears..we were in TantrumVille and I couldn't replace this dolly, she was custom handmade by CottonBerry for her, and Miss 3 loves her, and takes her absolutely everywhere. It was do or die. My first thought was going to the shed, finding the rake and raking her bedroom, dumping all contents in a garbage bag, and running for my dear life... but that went beyond the logic of finding her doll. So I decided to don a singlet top with no bra, a pair of old tracksuit pants, hair tied back and no makeup. This was War. I was Going In. I have learnt the following since:

1. Anything wet should be treated with extreme caution. It is not advisable to sniff whatever it might be- just treat it with disinfectant, soak it up, or throw it out. There is no need to be putting stale milk on the tip of your nose
2. Watch out for earrings, lego, and booby traps your 3 year old may have set for you. They will be placed so the arch of your foot will fit perfectly into the sharp point. If and when this occurs, try not to jump around holding one foot cursing, you may just jump straight onto another shard of something.
3. Don't have the fantastic idea "I might change the room around at the same time". Especially before the clean has started. You may find yourself with a bed above your head wedged between a door and a wall....
4. If you decide to go through the toybox on the same day, put some gloves on. There is all types of god knows what at the bottom of this thing, and you may just put your hands into a very old bowl of milk. But, the upside is you can stop blaming the dog for farting now you realise where that horrible smell has come from. 
5. Under no circumstances should you also decide to refold all of the clothes before you complete the room. Pulling them all out of the wardrobe with the best intentions doesn't equal them actually being done. You could end up with a clean floor and a bed full of clothes at bedtime.. if you manage to finish cleaning the room before bedtime.

Last but not least, take in an emergency beacon, some flares, emergency food supplies, gloves, a tin opener and plenty of water incase you get lost, and tell someone you know you are Going In! Many mothers sanities have been lost between the four walls of the childs bedroom. I may or may not have lost mine a long time ago. .. be prepared! Oh.. and we ended up finding her doll... in the car on the way to get the boys from school.


written exclusively by Briohazard 3rd February 2012